BKaF – Brad Kovach and Friends

I just “seasoned” some Schwan’s Overpriced Teriyaki Wingz(tm) with a little puddle I squirted onto my plate from a bottle of “Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce.”  As I sat writhing in pain I said “I should write an article about this horrible pain experience.”  So I am.

Measuring How Hot Something Is…

When I contemplate things that shouldn’t be adulterated by logical hand of scientific analysis, I think of:

• Hot Sauce
• Pillow Fights
• Your mother

However bizarre as it may be, hot sauce and SPICYNESS in general has been analyzed scientifically.  And a scale has been written: the Scoville unit, eponymously named after Wilbur Scoville–a jerk that liked measuring hot things.

Scoville’s test involved taking a sample of the pepper’s extract and diluting it in sugar syrup until there is no detectable taste of heat.  We still use Scoville’s scale.  But, being a technologically inclined society, someone took all of the fun out of testing a pepper for heat with a robot and its robonose.

Now, a machine takes a sample, examines the chemicals, and a few magical moments later, the computer tells you how hot something is.  Personally, I’d much rather prefer the “precision,” “pain,” and “performance” of a human panel blasting their taste buds through rigorous heat examinations.

What is spice?

Very little is known about spiciness.  Please note: if Wikipedia doesn’t know, nobody does.

The feeling of spicyness is caused by capsaicin, a chemical that causes burning when in contact with mucous membranes.  Spicyness is not a flavor, but it is pain.  Your body has an actual endorphin response when in contact with spicy food.  Nerves are actually being tortured.  It isn’t a flavor, it’s a sensation!

My frustration sets in…

Don’t get me wrong, faithful readers, I love spicy food.  But I’m not a thrill seeker when it comes to blasting my tongue with chemical pain.  For one, I have Acid Reflux and spicy foods are not good for my esophagus.  Two, I don’t think it’s entirely necessary to have the “flavor” in extreme doses.  When a little dab will do it, why do you need the whole truckload‽ That’s right… I used an interrobang.

Here!  Look at this chart:

	Real World		Spicy Food
	Sleeping		Bell Pepper (0 SHU)
	Gentle handshake		Pepperoncini Peppers (100-500 SHU)
	Headlock		Jalapeño Peppers (2000 SHU)
	Kick to the crotch		Cayenne Peppers (30,000 SHU)
	Spinning Back Fist		Red Savina Habanero (300,000 SHU)
	Biting the curb		Naga Jolokia (855,000 SHU)

I hope you have found this chart useful. Please print this page for your handy reference. It SHOULD prove wildly convenient when you need to know how hot something is. Extra credit: memorize the chart.

Patheticness…

Please note that my birthday is coming up.  Compensate me for my HARD WORK by buying me something you can’t afford!

Citations and Images

• Wikipedia several times over
• Google Image Search
• SXC.hu
• chiliplants.co.uk