BKaF - Brad Kovach and Friends

Dear Mr. KOVACH,

Our records identify you as a man who may be required to register with Selective Service, but has not done so. You may register online via the Internet at www.sss.gov, by telephone, or indicate you are registered by completing Section A of the enclosed Registration Status Form. If you believe you are not required to register, complete Section B of the form and provide supporting evidence (copies only). Please verify and, if necessary, correct all information on the form. Sign and date the form and return it to us in the enclosed envelope within 10 days.

Failure to register with Selective Service is a Federal crime punishable by a fine and imprisonment. Men who fail to register may be unable to obtain U.S. citizenship, and are not eligible for certain Federal benefits, such as job training, student financial aid and government employment. Registration protects that eligibility. Our objective is to register you, not to have you prosecuted.

If you need help in completing the form, or have questions about registering, phone us at: 1-888-655-1825.

I’m 18 now–and I have the Gillette Fusion razor to prove it. (For the uninitiated, Gillette gives every man a free razor for his 18th birthday. I don’t know how they know that you’re turning 18, but they JUST DO.)

I received this cheery letter today. For those too impatient to read it, it kindly tried to state that I have to register for Selective Service, or I will go to jail. I muttered to myself “WHAT A PAIN!” And then, amidst the threats of prosecution, there it was: a website. A place on the Internet–where 90% of my time seems to go–where I can just fill out the form and get on with my life. Awesome, right?!

Wrong.

WHO IS IN CHARGE AT THE IT DEPARTMENT THERE? This website is a disaster. I tried to register, but I got a timeout error screen, which means a server wasn’t responding to my requests.

This poorly configured server, which has inevitably confronted 75% of all US men who’ve tried to register online, is turning away tons of traffic. And why? Because somebody forgot to check a box when the set the site up. I finally got to the website. The problem? I forgot to put “www.” in front of the address. Oops.

I finally get in and am greeted by their army of animated GIFs.

Look, US Government, if you’re going to force your country’s men to do a tedious task that SHOULD be taken care of for us, at least make the process work. By “SHOULD be taken care of for us,” I mean that they have the means to just pull our names out of a hat. Why don’t they? If they knew I’m 18, why didn’t they just REGISTER ME?

Neil Hokanson, who is more enlightened on matters patriotic, what is the answer?

Just remember–if it’s your turn to go through this rigamarole, don’t forget the www.