BKaF - Brad Kovach and Friends

Maybe I’m not the best person to be writing flirting tips. 40% of the time, I blush, giggle a lot, and trip over a mop with my food tray. But the other 60% of the time, things go smoothly enough that I feel pretty confident about it and go back to my dorm not stressing over something silly I said. So here’s what I think are some important (and not-so-important) factors of flirting.

GIRLS: Refrain from talking about your ex-boyfriends unless specifically asked.

"...a-and he went out with another girl after just four years! That bastard!!"

Imagine you were having a flirty conversation with a guy, and all of a sudden he starts complaining about his ex-girlfriend. “Oh my gosh, and she’d always do this thing with my towels where she’d wipe her makeup off on them? And then like, she’d always listen to this stupid music, blah blah blah…” …. not particularly attractive.

GUYS: Ration your jokes.

It takes a special breed.

There’s loads of studies saying chicks dig a guy who can make her laugh, but try not to force-feed 100% of your stand-up routine into your first conversation. Show her you’ve got a sense of humor, but don’t get desperate. There’s a guy in one of my language classes who is apparently attempting to make everything out of his mouth comedy gold, and it’s a daily train wreck.

GIRLS: Don’t dumb yourself down.

Do you know how hard it is to find a picture of just Paris Hilton's face?

Some girls go into this weird mode when they’re around a guy they like. I’ve been guilty, and so have some other girls I’ve met. We get giggly and act about 20 IQ points dumber than we are, possibly because we don’t want them to feel intimidated/less manly because of our absolutely amazing and earth-shattering intellect (ha, ha). The smart guys can see right through this and it’s sort of a turn-off. So try to maintain your true intelligence level (but feel free to giggle).

GUYS: Do not ask a girl’s age right after you introduce herself.

"You gotta be kiddin' ... you're too pretty to be twenty. Hurr hurr."

“So, how old are you?”, in almost any case, translates to “Are you legal?”. GROSS. That’s for way later in the conversation, homeskillet. It doesn’t really matter if you meant it in a harmless way or not — every creepy encounter a girl has with older men in a gas station/at the park/whatever starts with “How old are you?”. If you must ask, wait until well into the conversation, or be more creative with your words. Or just ask her what grade she’s in while on the subject of school. That’s much less invasive and pervy-sounding.

GIRLS and GUYS: Physically abusing your crush can be either cute or disastrous.

TERRORIST FLIRT JAB?

In an attempt to seem casual, fun and confident, you may revert to third grade by using punches, shoves, bumps, cartwheels, hitting, and other physical ways of gaining attention. This is acceptable so long as the other person thinks it’s funny, reciprocates, and otherwise seems okay with it (and you’re not breaking any bones). Just keep it gentle and appropriate.

GUYS: Wear some other deodorant besides Axe.

What a liberal application of Axe smells like.

Yeah, the commercials are a little bit funny. Yeah, you might entertain the thought that it drives us girls crazy. But damn–when you utterly soak yourself in it, you reek like overcooked bacon soaked in gasoline. You don’t have to assault our nostrils with manly death-musk. All you gotta do is smell like you showered at some point today, and you’re gold.

…wow. Reading this, I sound pretty bossy. Seriously, though:

Don’t listen to me. Don’t listen to anybody! You don’t have to follow rules laid out in magazines to get to know people. Your relationships do not have to exactly resemble dramatic love stories in movies to be legitimate. Unscripted, real life romances are the most awesome kind. Do what you feel, and don’t ever get distracted from what’s real by constantly comparing it to what pop culture deems as “romance”.

Ladies and gentlemen, go forth and rock your own style!