I have decided to become fat. Grotesquely so, even. Because activity sucks. Period.

I’ve compiled a list of reasons, gathered over many years of study and inactivity, to prove my statement.

Let’s Go:

#1: Sweat.

Yes, you all know the feeling. You’re sitting next to that cute girl (or guy, depending), and your pheremones go into overdrive, creating a slight amount of moisture, which, if you’re lucky, is dissapated by your chosen anti-perspirant. Now take the uncomfortableness that you get from this experience, and multiply it by 1,000,000,000. That’s what sweat when you’re truely exercising feels like. No amount of chalky-white armpit dehydrator will save you now. Those glowy-sweat Gatorade commercials were lies. LIES!

This boy is a deceiver.

#2 Pain.

If you look at the officially compiled lists that speak about people who die, exercise is ranked second, right underneath shark attacks. It is a little known fact that the soreness you feel after exercise is actually your body shutting down right before you kick the bucket.

Don't exercise. And stay out of the water.

#3 Pain.

I think this bears repeating. Have you ever used a friggin’ jumprope?

Satan's vessel in the mortal realm.

#4 Lack of Instantaneous Gratification.

Well, you might be thinking, the above reasons are bad, but I will sacrifice just this once for the promise of a hot-sexy-bod. So, you go out, defy death and sweat, and run a mile. Upon arriving at home, you step on the scale, and–BAM–nothing has happened. “What is this madness?” you ask. I hate to be the one to have to break the news, but exercise is not the miracle you’ve expected. You have to do it more than once! Sometimes three times a week!  What the hell!? I also hear that you have to combine it with *shudder*, a DIET! This is too much to ask.

As much as Arnold would like us to believe, this is harder than it looks.

#5 Video Games

Finally, all the time spent doing all this running and jumping would have been much better spent playing video games.

Remember folks, friends don’t let friends exercise.

-Tom

This week, Thomas brings you, for the first time in video, Cooking With Thomas!  Enjoy his wit as he teaches you to cook a Hot Dog.  Oh Yeah!

I apologize for my absence. Graduating from high school, working, and sitting on my butt has taken up a great deal of my time.

But that is in the past. Now I am back, and I’m going to tell you about something I love: Comic Books.

Why?

Because they’re awesome.

But first, a little backstory.

I was about seven. My father and I were at the pharmacy, selecting various items (that you typically select in a pharmacy) when my impressionable little eyeball caught a glimpse of something. I moved forward. There, shuffled off into the corner, was a rack.

But this was no ordinary rack, destined to hold such mundane items as greeting cards and little stuffed animals.

No.

This was a comic book rack.

There was a sign that read: Five for $1.00! (The owners of the pharmacy didn’t realize that they had shuffled the holy grail into a corner.)

I grabbed five, I don’t remember their names, but I do remember that they looked ultra-violent, which appeals to a seven-year-old boy. My father, not realizing that because of this one choice, his son would be destined for social-retardedness and eventual mass murder, bought them for me.

Fast forward to present day. Now a socially retarded almost adult, I’d like to share with you this valued and awesome part of my life.

Before I kill you all.

What do you see?

Most of you, I assume, see Superman—a dude whom bullets bounce off of, has x-ray vision, is super strong, and is the defender of Truth, Justice, and The American Way.

What do I see?

I see inspiration. I see strength. I see a purpose. You see, comic books speak to me in a way that few other mediums can.

In no other form is the representation of what makes our species great embodied than in the superhero. He (or She) is selfless, strong, and never tempted by evil.

No matter what the odds, no matter how dark things get, the superhero (or superheroine) stands. Not for a country, not for a flag, but for the undeniable right that all human beings have: to live, love, and die on our own terms. Plus there’s pretty pictures.

So, the next time you see some comic books, pick one up, and check it out. You might like it. Hell, you might even be a little bit inspired.

___________________________________________________

Required Reading:

If you’re still reading, and are interested in some good comics, here’s some personal recommendations:

Superman: Secret Identity

This is a great superhero comic for those who don’t like superhero comics. It’s about a teenage boy becoming a man, finding love, and getting old. And being Superman. It’s one of my favorites.

Watchmen

Considered by Time as one of the 100 greatest novels of all-time, this graphic novel explores the nature of heroes and whether or not the human race is worth anything. And that’s just a small part. Great stuff.

Ultimate X-Men

Team of supermutants. Stuff explodes. Awesome. Understand? I recommend picking up the Ultimate Collections, vol. 1, 2 and 3.

Sin City: The Hard Goodbye

Only for those who like lots and lots of R-rated content, this is the stylistic journey of Marv, a big dumb guy out to get revenge for his dead girlfriend. Excellent, snappy writing, and there was a pretty good movie.

And, as an added bonus/shameless plug:

Jessica and I did a short story a couple years back that I wrote and she drew for a independent collection called Sequential Suicide. I also wrote a story that was illustrated by this dude for the second volume of the collection. You should check it out. And maybe buy it (we don’t make any money off of it, we just want you to read our stuff, and support independent creators everywhere).

Plus, check it out: a video I made for a scholarship competition!

Phew.

-Tom

This week, I’m going to show you a creation of mine. The Manlette. You may look at the pictures further down and say, “It looks like you just screwed up making a regular omelette!”

But this is not the case. Seriously.

Step 1: Grab you some ingredients. Use whatever you want, it’s pretty much impossible to ruin a Manlette. Unless you put capers. Nasty. My personal favorites are cheddar cheese, feta cheese, red bell pepper, and tomato. Typical omelets and Manlettes use three eggs, you can go with more, but it can be dangerous. For your eggs, beat them up with a teenie bit of milk for added fluff–I mean manliness.

Step 2: Get your pan out, and melt a bit of butter in it. Never mind how nasty mine looks, I was production-lining these bad boys. It’s better to use a circular pan, but ours was AWOL. Set this up to medium-high heat.

Step 3: Pour the egg into the pan.

Step 4: Cover with a glass cover or a plate if you don’t have a glass cover. This cooks the other side of the omelette. Real men don’t get salmonella.

Step 5: Once the omelette is cooked looking, put your ingredients in. Now, this is where the Manlette differs. We are not making namby-pamby picturesque IHOP omelettes. This omelette’s going to look like it went through the meat grinder. Normal omelettes you try to put fewer ingredients in, so the likelihood of it staying together is higher. Not so with the Manlette. Put as much as possible. C’mon, you know you want to.

Step 6: Flip it over to cover it open. Make sure you break it. This is important.

Step 7: Eat.

Keep in mind that this is an original recipe, it didn’t just happen because I only took pictures of the crappy omelette I made. It was all intentional.

-Tom

Gas? Gas? You, the astute reader, is probably saying, “But you can’t cook gas.”

You are correct. Gas is not edible, nor is it a major ingredient in any recipe. But, I’ve decided to cook you a cheaper gas bill.

How, you ask?

Simple, I like visionaries before me, am here to usher in a new era, I am here to tell you how dumb you are, and make you all better.

So, let’s get cracking. Actually, cracking uses gas. Let’s get zero-emissionsing.

Step 1: Turn off your friggin’ lights. The sun puts out a lotta light, and a lotta heat. Amazingly enough, during the daytime, this is more than enough to light your home. So, not every single light in your house needs to be on at all times. This requires almost no effort. Just flip the switch.

Step 2: Take things off standby mode. Odds are, your television has a standby mode. This is where the remote power button enables the TV to be turned on and off more quickly and easily. There is a big power button on the TV. Push it when you’re done watching. Standby mode sucks power constantly and makes for wah-wah on the power bill. Also, many other appliances (not your fridge) benefit from being unplugged. Laptops, unplug the power adapter when you’re done charging.

Step 3: Stop driving your car everywhere. Gas is like what, $3.43/gallon. Just ride a bike or walk. Believe it or not, mankind got by for like 3000 years before the invention of the Mercedes. You can do it, and you might get in a little bit o’ shape.

So, I leave you with these few tips. Maybe next week I’ll cook something.

-Tom

Ok, now, I know you’re saying, “Peanut Butter and Jelly? Why would he teach us to do this?”

Because, sadly enough, 75 percent of Americans do not know how to properly create the culinary masterpiece that is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ¹

Fear not. I am here to help.

Step 1: Get some bread. Any kind works, it’s a friggin peanut butter jelly sandwich. I like the kind with like 45 grains in it though. Lay both pieces out so you may spread on them.

Step 2: Get peanut butter. No, not that natural stuff, it tastes like licking a butt. Get Jif. Because Choosy Moms Choose It. In the case of the jelly, get whatever, I like raspberry.

Step 3: Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread. The key is not to have too much, and not have to little. Here’s the rule: use common sense. But, it is essential that you cover the slice of bread completely. Many times have I received a sandwich that has a blob of peanut butter in the corner, and nowhere else. Needless to say, it was not satisfying. Use my artsy picture for reference.

Step 4: Spread the jelly on the other slice of bread. DO NOT PUT IT ON THE SAME SLICE AS THE PB. Make sure that there is an even coat, with a little bit more jelly than peanut butter. It serves as a lubricant. Once again, see artsy reference.

Step 5: Put both pieces together. Try to make them even, or I’ll punch you in the face.

Step 6: Eat. I like to cut mine in half and serve it with a glass of milk. Do not use a chainsaw.

You’re welcome, America. The first step to a better, more respected nation starts today. Tomorrow, the energy crisis.

¹ Taken from www.ThomasKnowsEverythingAndHeIsInfallible.com

-Tom

There are a few constants in the universe. One of these is pizza. And how awesomely good it is. Seriously, if you don’t like pizza, you don’t like the universe. Which is a pretty bad move.

But, silliness aside, pizza is one of the greatest foods ever, and I would like to share with you the recipe for darn good Neapolitan pizza. You see, the key to a good pizza is a yummy crust. With a good crust, you could use poop for topping and it would taste good. Neapolitan is a almost cracker-thin crust that’s just yummalicious, and in my opinion, it is the best of the pizza crusts.

WARNING: This recipe is a two day process, if you are lame, don’t undertake it.

To begin with, the ingredients list, which is almost too simple (By the way, there are thousands of different recipes for pizza crust, but they all basically use the same ingredients, the best book I’ve seen for pizza crust, and bread in general is The Bread Baker’s Apprentice):

You need:

4 ½ cups of flour (unbleached bread flour works best)

1 ¾ tsp. of salt

1 tsp. of instant yeast

¼ cup of olive or vegetable oil

1 ¾ cups of ice cold water

Step 1: Put all these things in a bowl, and you mix them together with either a large spoon or an electric mixer (if you were born without a work ethic).

It will look like this:

And finally this:

The dough should be slightly sticky, but not like a drunk prom date. You should be able to manipulate it without dough staying on your hands. Add water or flour as necessary.

Step 2: Chop this sucker into four equally sized chunks on a large pan (two if you like pizzas with a bit thicker crust, six if you like tiny thin ones). Then, dust each in flower, roll them into balls, and spray some oil on them.

Step 3: Cover the pan with a plastic cover of some sort. I use a garbage bag. Throw this little bundle of joy into the fridge and let it sit overnight.

Step 4: The next day, pull the pan out of the fridge 2-3 hours before you make the pizza.

Step 5: Remove each dough ball from the pan and transfer it to a floured counter top. Then, flatten each dough ball to a disc about ½ inch thick (or less, it’s not too big of a deal.) Then, cover with plastic wrap, and let it sit for the aforementioned 2-3 hours.

Step 6: If you have a baking stone of some sort, about 45 minutes from the 2-3 hour mark, heat your oven as high as it will go (most home ones go to about 550 degrees) and put the stones in while the oven is preheating. If you don’t have stones, just use a conventional pan, but don’t worry about preheating it (still heat the oven to 550 though). The cool thing about stones is that you can get the crispified bottom of the crust.

Now is a great time to chop some ingredients, and make some sauces. The cool thing about pizza is the kinds of sauces you can use, pink sauce, white sauce, red sauce, whatever. I like a red sauce seasoned with basil, garlic, oregano, rosemary, parsley and thyme.

For toppings, use veggies, they taste really good. Stay away from most red meat, it makes a ton of grease, and takes away from the crust. Use chicken. Two or three ingredients (including cheese) are good for each one. My favorites are jalapeño peppers, red bell peppers, diced tomatoes, chicken, mozzarella cheese, parmesan cheese, and cheddar cheese. Put your favorites.

CARDINAL RULE: Less is more! Don’t slather on the cheese, sauce, or any other topping. It doesn’t enhance the taste, just makes the pizza less structurally stable.

Step 7: Toss your crusts. Dust your hands with flour. If you want to do it cool-man-style like me, bounce each crust across your knuckles in a circular motion, then throw it up in the air until you reach the desired size. Or you can just flatten it out with your hands. Make sure you have a device to transfer it to your hot stone (if you’re using one).

Step 8: Throw on all your ingredients (less is more, sauce thickens when it gets cooked), and use a brush to brush melted butter on the crust for added crispy. Slide this bad boy into the oven.

Step 9: Pull it out, and devour.

I hope you enjoy this epic recipe, and come back next week for a doozy: PB and J sandwiches!

-Tom

Welcome back! I apologize for the slight tardiness of the article, I have no excuse. Um…yeah.

So, this week on Cooking with Thomas, we have a food that was created by McDonald’s (as far as my knowledge goes): Chicken.

The type of chicken we are going to prepare today is the grilled type, which is my personal favorite. Grilled Chicken has a mellow taste, with a savory aroma that reminds me of ages long past. Ah, nostalgia.

So, to begin:

Step 1: Grab yo’self some chicken. Any kind of chicken will do, but I prefer boneless, so you can make some yummy sandwiches. Throw that chicken in a plastic container, and let it defrost for 3-4 hours. Or you can just go the microwave defrost route, though that’s lame.

Step 1.5 (this is a supplemental step): Once the chicken is all defrosted, heat up your grill. For those of you who do not know how to do this, a charcoal grill is simple: throw briquettes into the bowl, spray it with lighter fluid, light it, and wait 20 minutes. If you’re a nancy, you can just cook this in a skillet, but I’ll never speak to you again if you do.

Step 2: Throw that chicken on the grill. I’m making naked chicken, which requires no marinating before hand. C’mon, who do you think I am, Chef Bonfini? Once that chicken is on the grill, spice it up with any combination of garlic, lemon pepper, salt, black pepper, carne asada, seasoned salt, or BBQ sauce. My personal favorite is putting garlic, salt, and lemon pepper, sliced onion, and melting cheese on top of that bad boy. Whatever you wanna do works, as long as it tastes good.

Step 3: As we’re going the sandwich route, make some garlic toast (garlic, butter, and a slice of bread either fried in a skillet or toasted in a toaster oven), throw some tomatoes and miracle whip (or mayo), and chow down. Yum-ah!

Unfortunately, I don’t have as many pictures this week. I sincerely apologize, but it was friggin’ snowing outside. April, and it was snowing. Yeah, I live in an awesome place. Don’t believe me? Look:

But, tune in next week for an exciting adventure in: Pizza!

Chainsaw Bob and the 10,000 Things That Don’t Remotely Pose a Challenge to Him

Chapter 1 (of 750)

It was day.

No, not the sun-shining, Mr.-bluebird-on-my-shoulder kind of day; the kind of day that makes you slather on the SPF 100 and pray to the above that Skin Cancer isn’t looking for a loving host. Sweat graduates to a whole new level: SWAT.

Now, any other man would take a look out his window and say, “You know what, I think I’ll stay in today. Maybe sit in the freezer a couple hours.”

Chainsaw Bob was not any other man. Chainsaw Bob had a quota to fill.

A quota of logs.

Heavy steel-toed boots thump. The assortment of pine, cherry, cedar, and aspen shakes in collective fear.

The rumbling sound of the Dusqvarna 5000xp Deathsaw doesn’t help either.

It begins. You will be spared the woody details. Wimp.

John was supervisor at the Imonnaeatcha Lumber Mill. He, like all his other workers, would avert their eyes in shame at their lack of masculinity every time Chainsaw would make his delivery. He would make it at four o’clock PM.

Sharp.

Like his Deathsaw.

Chainsaw would bring the 34-foot longs five at a time on his shoulder, and throw them in a pile. Then he would leave, all the other “men” attempting to re-grow their facial hair after it had been manned off.

It was night.

Chainsaw Bob was asleep on his bed of nails. The She-harpy-banshee-fiends-from-the-bad-place thought he didn’t hear them coming.

Oh, he heard them.

He heard them.

-Tom

Brad is a pretty awesome dude, and he’s been gracious enough to allow me to write on his spiffy (newly redesigned) website. I have been slacking as of late, so I’ve decided to step it up a bit and provide him (and you) with more content.

I present to you, Cooking with Thomas, a once-weekly (on Sunday) culinary tour de force! Consider me to be your tour guide. But, in all seriousness, I am not the Iron Chef, Julia Child, or even Rachael Ray. I am just a humble 18-year-old, sharing what little knowledge I have in the realm of cooking. So, buckle your seat-belt! Yes, you too. And jump on the roller coaster that is Cooking with Thomas!

This week: CELERY!

As teenagers, our diet mainly consists of peanut butter, potato chips, and if you’re me, things scraped from the bottom of your shoe. I’m sure that when you see the word celery, you’ll stop reading this article. But, for the brave few who stayed to hear me out (and laugh), I say to you that celery can be delicious! That’s right, your world was just rocked!

A little background on everyone’s least favorite vegetable. It’s long, greenish-white, and it has the consistency of a chunk of rebar dipped in barbecue sauce. Also, something few people know: Celery burns calories! But before you maniacs go and start chowing down on celery in the hopes of becoming SexyMcSlimPants, know that a stick burns like 6 calories, not the 3,500 you need to lose a pound of fat. Don’t worry though, the things I will teach you today will make celery a tasty part of your high-fat diet!

So, Without further ado, step 1:

Step 1: Gather the ingredients: celery (fresh, long stalks), cream cheese, peanut butter, raisins (if you hate yourself), and a cheese stick (or any other type of cheese, cheese sticks work best though).

Step 2: Rinse the celery off. Then chop off the huge nasty end and if there’s gunk on the front, chop that off too.

Step 3: Chop that naughty celery into three evenly-sized pieces. Or three not-so-evenly sized, whatever.

Step 4: Take the first peice, and spread some cream cheese on that bad boy! Chow down on it, like my mama is in the picture. This is a silky rich flavor.

Step 5: Grab the peanut butter and your second piece of celery!

Step 6: Spread the PB all over the second piece of celery. If you want to go the ants-on-the-log route, throw some raisins on top of the peanut butter. Eat it, enjoy the sticky sweet of the peanut butta’.

Step 7: Take your last piece of celery, and your cheese stick, and cut the cheese stick to the length of the celery. Eat the nubbin’.

Step 8: Nestle the cheese stick into the celery. It fits perfectly! Enjoy the cheesy goodness.

Bonus Step: If you’re feeling particularily daring, put all of it on one piece of celery. Oh yeah.

So, I hope you enjoyed this simple, yet yummalicious snack. It is probably one of the more complex foods you will ever make. Tune in next week for my next feat: grilled chicken!

-Tom