These are a few of my favorite things.  How about you?

10. The Electronic Cowboy Arcade (an arcade since gone, located in Afton, WY) and Galaxian:  This was my first favorite video game, and I spent many quarters and had a lot of fun with my friends as we tried to top each other’s high scores.

9.  Peanut Butter (Skippy Chunky):  As mentioned in Mall Cop it fills the cracks in my heart.

8.  Burton snowboards (The first one I ever tried was in the winter of 1983 at Jackson Hole, they let us use them for free, and they sucked – see what they looked like in the link!)

7.  Icee blueberry drinks

6.  Van Halen (I bought their first album in 1978 while on a lunch break during junior high at the local Radio Shack.  Once I heard Eruption I was hooked!)

5.  Richard Nixon (The one and only U.S. President I have ever seen live – I asked my 2nd grade teacher why he wasn’t president anymore after he resigned and she said because he lied.  That wasn’t cool, but I still liked the guy and always will.)

4.  Apple (The Apple IIe was the first computer I ever used, and I’ve liked them ever since.)

3.  Scooby Doo (I watch it almost every single day, and it never gets old!)

2.  Johnny West and Thunderbolt (I still have Thunderbolt, Johnny’s horse, who has a broken neck and is minus his tail, but Johnny is buried forever in my old sandbox after a garden hose flooding incident.  I can’t believe I totally forgot about him and left him behind, but I probably had to go for a bike ride on my purple Schwinn with banana seat.)

Johnny West Commercial

My purple Schwinn looked a lot like this:

1. The Internet (Enough said.)

I just “seasoned” some Schwan’s Overpriced Teriyaki Wingz(tm) with a little puddle I squirted onto my plate from a bottle of “Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce.”  As I sat writhing in pain I said “I should write an article about this horrible pain experience.”  So I am.

Measuring How Hot Something Is…

When I contemplate things that shouldn’t be adulterated by logical hand of scientific analysis, I think of:

• Hot Sauce
• Pillow Fights
• Your mother

However bizarre as it may be, hot sauce and SPICYNESS in general has been analyzed scientifically.  And a scale has been written: the Scoville unit, eponymously named after Wilbur Scoville–a jerk that liked measuring hot things.

Scoville’s test involved taking a sample of the pepper’s extract and diluting it in sugar syrup until there is no detectable taste of heat.  We still use Scoville’s scale.  But, being a technologically inclined society, someone took all of the fun out of testing a pepper for heat with a robot and its robonose.

Now, a machine takes a sample, examines the chemicals, and a few magical moments later, the computer tells you how hot something is.  Personally, I’d much rather prefer the “precision,” “pain,” and “performance” of a human panel blasting their taste buds through rigorous heat examinations.

What is spice?

Very little is known about spiciness.  Please note: if Wikipedia doesn’t know, nobody does.

The feeling of spicyness is caused by capsaicin, a chemical that causes burning when in contact with mucous membranes.  Spicyness is not a flavor, but it is pain.  Your body has an actual endorphin response when in contact with spicy food.  Nerves are actually being tortured.  It isn’t a flavor, it’s a sensation!

My frustration sets in…

Don’t get me wrong, faithful readers, I love spicy food.  But I’m not a thrill seeker when it comes to blasting my tongue with chemical pain.  For one, I have Acid Reflux and spicy foods are not good for my esophagus.  Two, I don’t think it’s entirely necessary to have the “flavor” in extreme doses.  When a little dab will do it, why do you need the whole truckload‽ That’s right… I used an interrobang.

Here!  Look at this chart:

	Real World		Spicy Food
	Sleeping		Bell Pepper (0 SHU)
	Gentle handshake		Pepperoncini Peppers (100-500 SHU)
	Headlock		Jalapeño Peppers (2000 SHU)
	Kick to the crotch		Cayenne Peppers (30,000 SHU)
	Spinning Back Fist		Red Savina Habanero (300,000 SHU)
	Biting the curb		Naga Jolokia (855,000 SHU)

I hope you have found this chart useful. Please print this page for your handy reference. It SHOULD prove wildly convenient when you need to know how hot something is. Extra credit: memorize the chart.

Patheticness…

Please note that my birthday is coming up.  Compensate me for my HARD WORK by buying me something you can’t afford!

Citations and Images

• Wikipedia several times over
• Google Image Search
• SXC.hu
• chiliplants.co.uk

Dear BKaF,

I recently bet my friend $100 that the United States would win a gold medal in every single event we competed in.  Aside from Michael Phelps, we aren’t doing to [sic] well.

What can I do to resolve this situation? And, as a bonus question, how can I avoid this in the future?

Sincerely,
Overzealous Olympian

Dear Overconfident,

There are a number of things that you can do to remedy this situation:

Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit–even you!  When your friend asks you to pay up, show him the Wikipedia page summarizing the United States’ EPIC WIN at the Olympics.  If he starts asking to “see citations” you need to have a backup plan.  Try faking a seizure or saying “OH LOOK! AN EAGLE!”

Pay your friend

Yeah, we know, you’re trying to avoid this consequence, but you shouldn’t have opened your big yap in the first place.

Kill your friend

It’s harsh, but IT’S ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That’s more than some small countries’ GDP.  And it’s not just the money–it’s your pride.  Could you handle having a friend heckling you for “being gullible,” “being stupid,” “having a big mouth,” and “having bad grammar.”

Act like it never happened

When your friend stumbles around to gather his winnings he so-rightfully deserves, just say “What?  What do YOU MEAN I OWE YOU ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!”  He’ll inevitably ask for the money again, when you start faking a sub-standard lifestyle.  Try to convince your friend that you already spent your economic stimulus check.  And when that doesn’t work (It won’t–we promise) LIE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER LIED BEFORE.

Fall into hiding

This looks cozy.

We’ve never been THIS desperate to evade trouble, so we can’t give you any pointers on living in the jungle, although we can recommend a soundtrack!

Kill yourself

Believe us–if the Japanese made this bet, they’d already be dead.  The ancient suicide ritual seppuku has spared thousands (millions?) of Japanese the embarrassment of admitting failure.  But, seeing how you’ve written this letter, you’ve already admitted that you lost.  This is probably not your best option.

We really hope that this run-down of cowardly escape routes has helped you maintain your measly net worth, and helped you score $100 dollars from your smarter-than-you friend.

Oh, and your bonus question about avoiding this problem in the future?  Answer: shut your mouth.  That should be rather obvious.

Thanks for writing in!
Brad Kovach and Friends

If you need a slice of wisdom, email us for help!

ask@bradkovach.com

We look forward to solving your problems!

Yes, the critics have crushed The Love Guru, featuring Mike Myers as The Guru Pitka–an American turned Hindu guru.  Even though it bombed in ratings, I think it is still worth 88 minutes and $8.50 of your life.

I’ll give you the list, and you can reveal the spoilers if you want to.

Show SpoilersHide Spoilers

5. Justin Timberlake as Jacques “Le Coq” Grande

Justin Timberlake plays a magnificent-membered French hockey player with a curiously hilarious addiction to Celine Dion and Pop-Tarts/Ketchup pizzas.  Yes, he is “smuggling a schnauzer.”  In a locker room scene with a reporter, Jacques un-towels after a shower and a distinct thump is heard and then many gasps from all witnesses.

What could be funnier than a French man with a Celine Dion fetish played by Justin Timberlake?

4. The Anagrams

The Guru Pitka has many trademarked anagrams/sayings that help him teach.  This is probably a comedic ploy adored by only me and Mike Myers, but flippant intellectual right protection is strangely hilarious.

The trailer showed one anagram: G-U-R-U.  But the movie showcases many, many more trademarked anagrams that are worth seeing.

Clarity, Organization, Charm and Knowledge is another fantastic acronym.  But that’s only one.  There are several more.

3. Stephen Colbert as a sports announcer

Colbert appears alongside Jim Gaffigan as a sports announcer.  He showcases the Colbert sense of humor in a different, refreshing way.

In one part, Colbert explains the five spot (a hockey term) by using the on-screen illustrator.  He proceeds to draw a phallus by highlighting various parts of a picture of Justin Timberlake.  The camera pans out when the images get in appropriate, but watching Colbert actually finish the drawing is hilarious.

2. A Mike Myers cameo

I’ve already said to much.  Reveal spoilers–if you want to.

In the climax of the movie, Mike Myers appears, with Kanye West, saying “I love hockey!”  Myers clearly likes playing more than one character in his movies–but he’s not a narcissistic, role-muncher like Eddie Murphy.

1. Wayne’s World hat tip.

For fans of Myers, a well-placed inside joke is there to reward your years of loyalty.

For any Mike Myers fan, this was an awesome moment.  A car scene, intended to develop the “regression” plot of hockey star Darren Roanoke, involved an argument over the controls of the car stereo.  In switching the radio’s presets, the song Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen plays briefly, during which Guru Pitka (Myers) looks at the camera–effectively breaking the fourth wall–and rewarding his faithful fans with an inside joke.

In the new, digital economy, security is becoming more and more important. Online accounts are available everywhere. Your data needs to be safe. Security engineers have been paying a lot of attention to online security lately. Here are some trends in online security that are making the Internet a safer place.

1. Security Keys

Multi-factor authentication, or a way of using MORE than a username and password to prove your identity, is making serious advances.

Security keys are one popular multi-factor method of securing online accounts. Basically, you’re issued a device that contains a unique code generation algorithm. On the keychain-sized device, a 6-digit code changes every 30 seconds. The algorithm is shared between your device and the server that you’ll be authenticating with, so the server can generate the number, too. When the time comes to login, both ends of the transaction are able to generate THE SAME NUMBER and authenticate.

Currently, eBay/PayPal is mass-marketing these security devices. You can secure (not that it already isn’t) your account for a one-time fee of $5.00 USD. After your account is secured, it needs a username a password AND 6 digits that change every 30 seconds.  Unfortunately, this is ONLY available in the United States, Germany, and Australia.

PayPal.com

2. Key-Based Authentication

Another advance in the identity-proving arena is key-based authentication. Rather than a username and password, a user has a login key that contains a unique set of information–unique only to the visitor.

The authenticating server is equipped with a public-safe variant of that private key giving the user the digital equivalent of a padlock/key system. When a connection is initiated with a server, your computer encrypts your key in a securely-encrypted tunnel, sends it to the server where it is then decrypted (if you added a password) and matched against the key file (padlock). If successful, you are securely authenticated to the service. Essentially, rather than a short password that you have to type in, you have a long (1024 bits isn’t out-of-the-ordinary) password file that takes the password’s place.

Public implementations of this are still in the works; however, SSH has been using it for a long time now.

Learn more: http://www.laubenheimer.net/ssh-keys.shtml
Secure Shell on Wikipedia

3. OpenID

Attempts at central online identity management have been attempted in the past, but many experts say that OpenID is the best, most efficient and most flexible unified sign on system to bless the internet so far.

Logging in with OpenID couldn’t be easier. Rather than a username/password prompt, you’re asked to provide your OpenID identity URL. This URL can be anywhere. AOL, WordPress, and many other websites host your login identities as OpenID identities. In emails I have exchanged with Facebook, I know that they, too, are working to become an OpenID provider.

After entering your OpenID identity URL, you’ll be sent to your OpenID provider (eg: AOL) to verify your identity. It is up to the particular provider to determine the challenges that grant you access to your account. Verisign Labs, who licensed the PayPal Security Key, is providing OpenID solutions WITH your PayPal security key.  Most challenge with a simple username and password.

More information here: http://openid.net/
VeriSign PIP: http://pip.verisignlabs.com

4. Ambiguous Password Failure

When programming an authentication system, care must be taken to not reveal the underpinnings of the system and its structure.

Many websites will reveal the existence of an account to a potentially malicious user by saying “incorrect password.” The problem exists that with that type of verification, a malicious user knows that an account exists under the requested name and can proceed to breaking in with a brute-force or dictionary attack.

Now, many websites are just saying that the username/password is incorrect. Not only does this foil malicious cracker logins, but it causes the user to reassess his or her login credentials.

Conclusion

If you’ve seen good online security practices in the wild, let the world know in the comments area.