Dear BKaF,

I recently bet my friend $100 that the United States would win a gold medal in every single event we competed in.  Aside from Michael Phelps, we aren’t doing to [sic] well.

What can I do to resolve this situation? And, as a bonus question, how can I avoid this in the future?

Sincerely,
Overzealous Olympian

Dear Overconfident,

There are a number of things that you can do to remedy this situation:

Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit–even you!  When your friend asks you to pay up, show him the Wikipedia page summarizing the United States’ EPIC WIN at the Olympics.  If he starts asking to “see citations” you need to have a backup plan.  Try faking a seizure or saying “OH LOOK! AN EAGLE!”

Pay your friend

Yeah, we know, you’re trying to avoid this consequence, but you shouldn’t have opened your big yap in the first place.

Kill your friend

It’s harsh, but IT’S ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That’s more than some small countries’ GDP.  And it’s not just the money–it’s your pride.  Could you handle having a friend heckling you for “being gullible,” “being stupid,” “having a big mouth,” and “having bad grammar.”

Act like it never happened

When your friend stumbles around to gather his winnings he so-rightfully deserves, just say “What?  What do YOU MEAN I OWE YOU ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!”  He’ll inevitably ask for the money again, when you start faking a sub-standard lifestyle.  Try to convince your friend that you already spent your economic stimulus check.  And when that doesn’t work (It won’t–we promise) LIE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER LIED BEFORE.

Fall into hiding

This looks cozy.

We’ve never been THIS desperate to evade trouble, so we can’t give you any pointers on living in the jungle, although we can recommend a soundtrack!

Kill yourself

Believe us–if the Japanese made this bet, they’d already be dead.  The ancient suicide ritual seppuku has spared thousands (millions?) of Japanese the embarrassment of admitting failure.  But, seeing how you’ve written this letter, you’ve already admitted that you lost.  This is probably not your best option.

We really hope that this run-down of cowardly escape routes has helped you maintain your measly net worth, and helped you score $100 dollars from your smarter-than-you friend.

Oh, and your bonus question about avoiding this problem in the future?  Answer: shut your mouth.  That should be rather obvious.

Thanks for writing in!
Brad Kovach and Friends

If you need a slice of wisdom, email us for help!

ask@bradkovach.com

We look forward to solving your problems!

Whenever I go shopping, I ALWAYS get receipts–because I am a conscious shopper. If I become an UNHAPPY consumer, a receipt is always a good way to prove that you bought something.

Lately, however, I would like to KILL everyone that uses receipts that could double as banners! As I shopped guiltlessly for things that I do not need, but totally want, I started drawing a dreadful conclusion: RECEIPTS ARE BECOMING WAY TOO BIG.

I devised a formula that shows the efficiency of receipt usage:

A score above 200 is obscenely huge.

A score between 50 and 200 is great.

A score below 50 is commendable.

Wal*Mart

I bought a PLAYSTATION 3 DUALSHOCK3 Controller. The receipt had a brief survey. They don’t always include a survey.

• Area: 180.91cm²
• Items sold: 1
• Score: 180.91

Subway

I bought a meal for myself and a sandwich for a friend.

• Area: 191.97cm²
• Items Sold: 4
• Score: 47.99

McDonald’s

Bought 5 double cheeseburgers and 2 small drinks for my brother and I.

• Area: 123.24cm²
• Items Sold: 7
• Score: 17.605

Circuit City

I bought A SINGLE ROCK BAND GUITAR. This receipt is hideous. It has surveys, contests, thanks, thanks and more thanks, and a little part for what I bought. Hideous.

• Area: 335.5cm²
• Items sold: 1
• Score: 335.5

Your Turn

If you care about the planet, take action and tell a store how hideous their receipts are. I’d like to see some of your FAVORITE receipt scores in the comments.

Situation: You’re sitting at your computer downloading stuff. You paid for it, and you received digital copies instantly. There were no humans, except you, involved, and there was virtually no labor involved in distribution.

Background

Supply and Demand is an economic concept that states that the best price for an item is found where a supply curve and a demand curve meet. It’s a very accurate way to determine how much to charge for an item–it’s the economic concept that drives the United States.

However, with globalization and the popularization of digital assets, such as a media file, the typical supply and demand curves are difficult–if not impossible–to chart.

The two parts of the S&D concept are, of course, supply and demand.

Law of Demand

When a price for an item is higher, demand for that item is typically lower. the relationship is inversely proportional. Basically–If people want something, they’re willing to pay for it.

Law of Supply

When a price increases, production must also increase to maintain profits.

Elasticity

Where changes in factors cause change in supply and demand relations an availability of a substitute is a great influence of Elasticity–if a competing product is stealing your business, you’ll change some factors (price, probably) to get them back.

You can see how a delicate balance of these laws would be good for the economy. This balance is referred to as equilibrium.

A recent example: The Nintendo Wii game console’s impossible-to-find status during the 2007-2008 Holiday season. Even at an estimated production of 1.8 million consoles per month, sales of over 400,000 kept the shelves wiped out.

An un-example: Fuel prices. They’re high because the oil companies want the money. Demand hasn’t risen, but it has fell due to high prices. But, if a dramatic decrease in fuel prices occurred, demand would raise–and then the price would have to skyrocket, yet again.

That’s great, but consider a digital economy:

Supply

Infinite. Rather than distributing goods, copies of the goods are automatically made and then distributed.

Demand

Variable, depending on the price set, and how the items are desired.

So does digital supply and demand exist?

Some say “No.” When using the traditional model of supply and demand, an infinite supply makes it impossible to calculate equilibrium–any calculator would return an ERROR.

But in a way “Yes.” You cannot sell a product without demand. Without demand, there would not be a buyer. Without a buyer, supply is not necessary. Therefore, without demand, supply is not necessary. You must have demand if you expect to sell your supply.

Therefore, an unlimited supply should not be factored into digital economics. Rather than a supply, a goal has to be set. How much did this production cost? And how many people do I expect to buy it? When those questions are answered, profit can be calculated.

Production cost:     $25,000.00  # I don't know how much money it takes

Desired cost         $      .99

Units Sold:              25,253
Actual Cost Per Unit	  $0.99  # Production Cost / Units Sold

Profit Per Unit	          $0.00  # Desired Cost - Actual Cost

Profit	                  $0.47  # (Desired Cost * Units Sold)-Production Cost

I built a digital economics toy that requires Microsoft Excel to play with. If you don’t have Excel, download this and upload it to Google Documents–the equations will work.

Digital Supply and Demand Spreadsheet

If you use Microsoft Excel, you can use the “Goal Seek” function to help you solve for values. In Office 2007, click “Data > What-if Analysis > Goal Seek” and set the values. You’ll find the calculator rather interesting.

The cost of producing these goods is the same for one item sold as it is for 2 million. The profit is what softens the blow. Interestingly, with these numbers, after 33,310,474.71 copies of this item, the Actual Cost Per Unit reaches $0.00.

Digital Rights Management (DRM)

One parallel that cannot be drawn between online items and real, tangible items is the ability to sell and redistribute.

For example, if I purchased a CD from… say… Wal*Mart, I could use that CD a few times, and then I could take that CD and sell it or give it away. Online-purchased media, however, comes in sealed-to-your-identity packages.

You have NO means of giving that digital media to a friend. You have NO means of selling that digital media back to the market in ANY way. If you decide for any reason that the product is defective, you can’t take it back, you can’t get a refund–because it’s impossible with the current state of online markets.

In Conclusion

I think that supply and demand exists in a digital economy–but not in the same way as it does in the analog world. Items must be sold to meet a quota, not to meet market demand. After the quota is reached, all earnings are PURE PROFIT. Products aren’t being sold to us in a fair way, either. Rather than having the right to distribute a digital product.

Dear Mr. KOVACH,

Our records identify you as a man who may be required to register with Selective Service, but has not done so. You may register online via the Internet at www.sss.gov, by telephone, or indicate you are registered by completing Section A of the enclosed Registration Status Form. If you believe you are not required to register, complete Section B of the form and provide supporting evidence (copies only). Please verify and, if necessary, correct all information on the form. Sign and date the form and return it to us in the enclosed envelope within 10 days.

Failure to register with Selective Service is a Federal crime punishable by a fine and imprisonment. Men who fail to register may be unable to obtain U.S. citizenship, and are not eligible for certain Federal benefits, such as job training, student financial aid and government employment. Registration protects that eligibility. Our objective is to register you, not to have you prosecuted.

If you need help in completing the form, or have questions about registering, phone us at: 1-888-655-1825.

I’m 18 now–and I have the Gillette Fusion razor to prove it. (For the uninitiated, Gillette gives every man a free razor for his 18th birthday. I don’t know how they know that you’re turning 18, but they JUST DO.)

I received this cheery letter today. For those too impatient to read it, it kindly tried to state that I have to register for Selective Service, or I will go to jail. I muttered to myself “WHAT A PAIN!” And then, amidst the threats of prosecution, there it was: a website. A place on the Internet–where 90% of my time seems to go–where I can just fill out the form and get on with my life. Awesome, right?!

Wrong.

WHO IS IN CHARGE AT THE IT DEPARTMENT THERE? This website is a disaster. I tried to register, but I got a timeout error screen, which means a server wasn’t responding to my requests.

This poorly configured server, which has inevitably confronted 75% of all US men who’ve tried to register online, is turning away tons of traffic. And why? Because somebody forgot to check a box when the set the site up. I finally got to the website. The problem? I forgot to put “www.” in front of the address. Oops.

I finally get in and am greeted by their army of animated GIFs.

Look, US Government, if you’re going to force your country’s men to do a tedious task that SHOULD be taken care of for us, at least make the process work. By “SHOULD be taken care of for us,” I mean that they have the means to just pull our names out of a hat. Why don’t they? If they knew I’m 18, why didn’t they just REGISTER ME?

Neil Hokanson, who is more enlightened on matters patriotic, what is the answer?

Just remember–if it’s your turn to go through this rigamarole, don’t forget the www.

Update! RSVP on Facebook!

Who: Anyone who wants to come.
What: An improv comedy event. Everyone freezes in place for a specified period of time, thaws, then leaves.
When: April fools day… Briefing starts at 6:30PM
Where: Thriftway in Afton
Why: For fun.

For anyone who cares, I stole this hilarious idea from the genii in charge at improveverywhere.com.

How

Execution of this shenanigan will be crucial. Everyone must be in the Thriftway parking lot on time at 6:30 for briefing. The briefing will let you know of any important changes to the plan.

Since documentation will be so crucial, we’ll have a few people filming the whole event. Melanie Robinson will be there with her purse/video camera. We need more hidden camera videographers. If you have a small digital camera or something, please bring it and hide it! Hide it on a shopping cart and drive around. Place it between some Macaroni and Cheese on a shelf and leave it. Just make sure its in a good spot.

1. 6:30pm: Briefing.  This won’t take too long, but it’s super important!  I’ll go over final details and changes.  Be there or don’t participate!
2. 6:45pm: Everyone will enter the store inconspicuously (in a way that isn’t obvious). You might enter with a group of friends, but we won’t herd in together. Everybody should be in the store ready at 6:50
3. Shop… browse… do whatever—just act natural.
4. When 7:00 hits, listen to the intercom system.
5. When you hear the first intercom after 7:00 (if it’s not happening, Mel will get a bag boy paged), FREEZE!
6. Wait for five more intercom announcements, and then unfreeze after the last announcement finishes.  (Emergency plan: if it’s been about 5 minutes without an announcement, Mel will have a bag boy paged to help her.  At that point, leave.)
7. Act like nothing happened. Leave. It’s as simple as cake.

If you’re still confused, watch this video (it opens in a new window): Frozen Grand Central.

In summary

We’re freezing in Thriftway on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 for the duration of 5 intercom announcements (subject to change).

Be at the briefing in the Thriftway parking lot for final details.
Briefing: 6:30 PM
Everybody in the store by 6:50 PM
Freeze: the first announcement after 7:00PM

If you can, bring a camera or something so we can document this feat.

I got my iPod touch the other day. I’m not going to post photos. You can go to Apple’s website if you want to see it. I’m a little frustrated with it. It has less features than the iPhone. The features are missing for no apparent reason.

Dear Steve Jobs,

I recently bought one of your newest iPods, the iPod touch. It upset me very much that most of the useful applications, such as Mail and Notes were taken out. Even more, the calendar application was deliberately stripped down. Why can events be synced to the iPod, but not added in the application, like they are on the iPhone? It doesn’t make sense.

It could be argued that PIM features, such as the Mail and Calendar features are smartphone features. Any pocket-sized, internet-connected device has an obligation to provide email, and internet, at the very least. What does this iPod come with? Internet and YouTube (stripped down, too, by the way). I’ll be honest: I expected a little more productivity built in.

Eventually, myself and dozens of other iPod users would like this thing to be as powerful as it can be without being a phone. That includes a full featured calendar, and Mail.app, so I can stop using my ugly, non-iPod ready webmail solution. I also suppose that the iPod will mercilessly hacked until these features appear in their gorgeous, eye-candied interface.

On the bright side my iPod shipped early, makes Internet surfing convenient, manages multiple Wi-Fi profiles brilliantly, it’s definitely the best iPod ever made (at least that I’ve owned), and has a roomy-considering-it’s-a-flash-based-player 16 gigabyte hard drive.

Sincerely,
Brad Kovach
bradkovach.com

Trojan (the condom manufacturer) is running a controversial advertising campaign on MySpace. Their message is “evolve.” I’m not even going to discuss the irony that evolution with a condom is impossible.

I am, however very upset that a company is promoting “sexual health” by advertising condoms. This is just wrong.

The facts

* Sexually transmitted diseases are nearly impossible to transmit unless having sexual intercourse.
* Abstinence is the best contraceptive and the best disease “control.”
* Just because abstinence education isn’t working, doesn’t mean that it’s a waste of time.
* We aren’t beasts, as sensationalized marketing states.
* 42,000 people contract an STD annually.

Quit patronizing me. Your marketing tactics are evil.

You’d think that a large, multi-national company would have a positive message, such as “don’t have sex, until you are in a life-long relationship, like marriage.” Instead they (Trojan) say:

Often, we promote ideology over information—such as when we deny people comprehensive sex education in favor of “abstinence-only” programs even though government studies show they don’t work.

That’s almost as pointless as saying late detection of cancer might as well go untreated. Our generation is in a hard place. We shouldn’t be having sex right now. We should be making good choices, like picking a college and responsibly enjoying our time with each other. We should NOT let ourselves be inundated with immoral messages implying that we are beasts and should therefore have sex (because we’re obviously ready), but just use a condom.

By the same logic, you could say don’t do drugs, but if you do, use a clean needle. It’s mind-numbing that this message is being broadcast to over 200,000,000 people! It needs to stop. If you are sick of it, send along the message.

If you believe in abstinence until marriage, sign your name at the bottom and pass it on. If you believe that Trojan has no business broadcasting a sexually promiscuous message to over 200 million people, sign this and pass it on. If you believe that the best way to stop unwanted pregnancy is to stop having sex, sign it and pass it on. We need to stand up for our generation! If we’re going to “evolve,” we’ll make the safest choice: abstinence. Sign it and pass it on!

Tom owned us. We used to have a lot of fun on MySpace. MySpace is losing its spunk. The internet is moving on…

One of MySpace’s most interesting features has been the ability to embed HTML of any variety into it. This may be why it is winning the popularity contest between Facebook and Bebo, and other popular social networks. People are intrigued by the fact that their profile reflects their personality.

The MySpace Debut in November of 2003 was amazing. No one had been on such a fun site as MySpace. You could find your friends and you could comment on their public profiles. Pictures were easy to share, and it was great. One of the distinct features of MySpace was the fact that you could send bulletins to everybody you were friends with. Everybody else couldn’t see them. It was the best way to gather a cult.

But then MySpace lost its credibility: online pedophilia hit the mainstream. Parents feared the word “MySpace.” MySpace got tons of bad press. People were skeptical of MySpace because they thought that membership was synonymous with rape. But that blew over. The occasional moron with gasp when you declare you have a MySpace, but hey! all the kids use it.

People still love its features, but is MySpace really that great anymore?

No. Not at all. In fact, people are wanting more features, hence the MySpace to Facebook exodus (you heard it here first). People are not impressed with simply social networking, they want social networking with style. MySpace is becoming over-commercial. I don’t blame them. It’s a huge moneymaking platform.

The great “features” that used to be so great are simply boring now. People can’t seem to figure out that a bulletin is not an email forward. Bulletins weren’t designed to be filled with email forwards, that’s what email is for. People delete email forwards (unless you’re my Grandma). It’s too bad we can’t delete bulletins. I love being burdened with the hundreds of years of bad luck/relationship problems/general misfortune because I didn’t repost the bulletin. Frankly, I feel bad for the database that has to hold all that crap.

MySpace brought social networking out, but did it really do the internet a favor? No. If anything, the internet has suffered because of MySpace. People are now starting to “code” their own MySpace pages. Usually they’re pasting in a design with advertisements for Pyzam, or their favorite MySpace “code” provider. Serious internet developers are disgusted with MySpace. It is messy. Design techniques that MySpace uses are old, deprecated, and just plain ugly. The world has moved on to Web 2.0, which consists of websites like Twitter, Blinksale, and Digg. Meanwhile, MySpace is stuck using old techniques that make content ugly and make the servers slow and burdened. They’ve got a lot of work to do to make it fun again.

Things for MySpace to work on

• For the love of God, redesign!
• Features, like an API (Similar to Facebook Platform).
• Make your code validate.
• Ditch tables… opt for DIV tags instead.
• Less ugliness and more fun

I just order many more bradkovach.com pencils. If you’d like to guarantee that you get one after The Brad Kovach (dot com) Movie premeres, leave with your name. If you submit double, you get nothing!

It’s been 100 posts and almost 2 years since I started doing my website. It’s matured quite a bit, too. It started out as a little design. The design had no colors it was grey and dark grey. It’s moved from that to a multi-colored version, to the version that was before this. I moved from unprofessional hosting at brad.starvalleysod.com to the present bradkovach.com

I’ve underwent few marketing moves. The latest, however was really fun. Whitney Buckley gave me 150 pencils with WWW.BRADKOVACH.COM emblazoned on them. The traffic response was minimal, but handing out the pencils was fun!

THE timeline of Brad’s Website

1. April 2005 - I started blogging. You can still read the first post. It was an email forward that I recieved days before that. You can read the first entry entitled “Very Important Question” that started this phenomenon.
2. October 16, 2005 - I release my best post ever. It was titled “Inconsistencies.” It covered a couple of things that people say and do that just don’t make sense, such as low-carb dieting. Read the article called “Inconsistencies” »
3. November 2, 2005 - Just days later, the transition from brad.starvalleysod.com to bradkovach.com is accomplished. This was the dawn of a new era, and my new favorite catchphrase: “BRADKOVACH.COM!” Read the announcement »
4. November 18, 2005 - Briefly after attending the Sadie Hawkin’s Dance, I satirized it with the first bradkovach.com cartoon entitled “The Dance” Enjoy.
5. February 9, 2006 - I take a picture of the SV Independent who highlighted the risk of students using MySpace.com. I agreed with them. Little did I know, months later, I’d have a MySpace of my own. For posterity, view the trash-talk here
6. March 3rd, 2006 - I release a movie review on my website. My sarcastic nature lent to a non-objective review of the movie which was topped of with a list of thing that could’ve made the movie better. One of which was a refund. Read the review of When A Stranger Calls »
7. May 2006 - Brad Kovach 5.0 was completely in the works. It featured a light-on-dark complexion and bright colors to draw the eyes to the important areas of the site. You’re looking at it right now.
8. June 2006 - I discover the sound and start rebroadcasting it on my website. You can listen to it on the page.
9. July 17, 2006 - I write a little program for my computer dubbed “Print Flush.” I distribute it on bradkovach.com and it becomes quite popular. Testimonials are still pouring in. Download your copy now!
10. September 2, 2006 - The idea for the biggest thing to hit bradkovach.com since bradkovach.com is here: Meet Someone New! My podcast went live with the first guest, Jessica Tanguay.
11. Halloween 2006 - The emo costume is a huge hit! Everybody loved it and it made bradkovach.com. Check out the Emo Costume and reminisce.
12. November 1, 2006 - MSN 7 with guests Mari Miles and Michelle Bowers are posted. This is still the most popular show. To this day, it’s almost had 700 complete downloads! Listen now!
13. Sometime soon: Brad Kovach (dot com) version 6 is coming…
    
    

    Yes! That’s what it looks like.