I am a lazy person.  If I don’t want to do something, it won’t get done immediately.  This laziness dominates everything I do, so you can naturally assume that my morning routine is a pathetic mad-dash for class, work, or wherever I need to be.

Days ago, an auto-grinding auto-brewing coffee maker was on sale for $55 on woot.com.  To be specific, it was the Cuisinart Grind & Brew 10-Cup Coffee Maker with Gold Tone Filter.  Normally about $140, this seemed like a great deal at the time.

I knew that this coffee maker would be a boon to my laziness.  If I just set it at night,  I could wake up in the morning and JUST KNOW that my coffee was freshly ground and brewed to perfection.  With this in mind, I knew that I could hit the snooze button several times and still make it to class “on time.”

It’s been three days, and I’ve already condemned this machine to “counter-top decoration” status.  And so begins the three day narrative of my experiences with the worst coffee maker ever designed…

Day 1.

I get a text from a coworker that my coffee machine has arrived at Starbucks.  I didn’t order it through Starbucks, but I work there and naturally have all of my cool new Internet things shipped there.  Getting a package through WWCC’s mail system is impossible.  The fact that it was a coffee maker being sent to Starbucks was amusing.

I take the machine home and unpack it.  I am immediately dismayed to discover that the automatic coffee grinder is a blade grinder.  Blade-ground coffee is disgusting compared to the full-flavored burr-ground coffee.

Once everything was washed and assembled, I realized that this is a gorgeous coffee maker (which is why I am leaving it on the counter).  It’s stainless steel and smooth.  The carafe is eye-catching.  Visually, I cannot tell that this is the most ill-conceived piece of coffee brewing equipment ever stamped out by a Chinese robot.

I set the clock on the unit and set the auto-brew timer for 8:00 am and headed to bed.

Day 2.

I wake up to the sound of a jet flying overhead.  A few moments later, when my lucidity arrived, I realized the sound was my coffee maker discretely brewing a pot of coffee in the kitchen.  After about a minute, the screechs and whirrs of the grinder ceased and the coffee quietly brewed.  I drifted back to sleep because I didn’t need to be awake yet.

I wake up, get ready and pour a cup of coffee.  The coffee was palatable.  It wasn’t perfect.  I’ll be considerate and blame the old coffee beans for this lack of flavor.

I filled up my cup and went to class.  I was still late, but again, I cannot blame the coffee maker for that.  Actually, I can and I will: the coffee pot’s clock was EIGHT minutes slower than my phone–the same phone I used to set it the night before.

Day 3.

Once again, I awake to the sound of my coffee maker grinding my sanity coffee to a pulp for brewing.  Despite the noise, I anticipate a decent cup of coffee since the beans were fresh.  I bought them the day before at Starbucks.  Knowing that my coffee maker was on top of things, I drifted back to sleep because I can.

45 minutes later (ten minutes to class), I wake up to a catastrophe.  I open my door to see a fresh pot of coffee brewed all over my floor.  Not only was my coffee ruined, but I am now forced to wipe a pot of coffee off the floor.

As I began to swab coffee off the floor with my Swiffer WetJet, I began to reconstruct the incident that has permanently condemned my coffee pot to a life of “looking pretty on the counter.”

The night before, I had filled the bean hopper with delicious, new coffee beans (Caffé Verona, if you care).  I filled the water tank with cold tap water.  I rinsed out all of the components because I wanted my coffee to be phenomenal the next morning.  The night before, I had failed to realize that I didn’t assemble the machine in its entirety.

Many coffee pots are built with a little valve that is activated by the top of the carafe.  Without something on the top of the carafe, the valve wouldn’t activate and the coffee will not flow through the valve and into the carafe.  My coffee maker is equipped with such a luxury.

Since I didn’t put the top back on the brewing carafe the night before, there was nothing to press up and activate the valve and let the coffee flow into the carafe–even though the carafe was in place.

Coffee gurgled out of the top of the machine because it had nowhere else to go–the valve was shut.  It filled my counter, pooled up on my floor and made my entire dorm smell like coffee with a hint of Swiffer WetJet mopping solution.  Magically, the gurgling coffee pot didn’t land a drop of coffee into the carafe.

I was late for class again.  My dorm was a mess.  Don’t buy this coffee maker.

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Dear BKaF,

I recently bet my friend $100 that the United States would win a gold medal in every single event we competed in.  Aside from Michael Phelps, we aren’t doing to [sic] well.

What can I do to resolve this situation? And, as a bonus question, how can I avoid this in the future?

Sincerely,
Overzealous Olympian

Dear Overconfident,

There are a number of things that you can do to remedy this situation:

Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit–even you!  When your friend asks you to pay up, show him the Wikipedia page summarizing the United States’ EPIC WIN at the Olympics.  If he starts asking to “see citations” you need to have a backup plan.  Try faking a seizure or saying “OH LOOK! AN EAGLE!”

Pay your friend

Yeah, we know, you’re trying to avoid this consequence, but you shouldn’t have opened your big yap in the first place.

Kill your friend

It’s harsh, but IT’S ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That’s more than some small countries’ GDP.  And it’s not just the money–it’s your pride.  Could you handle having a friend heckling you for “being gullible,” “being stupid,” “having a big mouth,” and “having bad grammar.”

Act like it never happened

When your friend stumbles around to gather his winnings he so-rightfully deserves, just say “What?  What do YOU MEAN I OWE YOU ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!”  He’ll inevitably ask for the money again, when you start faking a sub-standard lifestyle.  Try to convince your friend that you already spent your economic stimulus check.  And when that doesn’t work (It won’t–we promise) LIE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER LIED BEFORE.

Fall into hiding

We’ve never been THIS desperate to evade trouble, so we can’t give you any pointers on living in the jungle, although we can recommend a soundtrack!

Kill yourself

Believe us–if the Japanese made this bet, they’d already be dead.  The ancient suicide ritual seppuku has spared thousands (millions?) of Japanese the embarrassment of admitting failure.  But, seeing how you’ve written this letter, you’ve already admitted that you lost.  This is probably not your best option.

We really hope that this run-down of cowardly escape routes has helped you maintain your measly net worth, and helped you score $100 dollars from your smarter-than-you friend.

Oh, and your bonus question about avoiding this problem in the future?  Answer: shut your mouth.  That should be rather obvious.

Thanks for writing in!
Brad Kovach and Friends

If you need a slice of wisdom, email us for help!

ask@bradkovach.com

We look forward to solving your problems!

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Yes, the critics have crushed The Love Guru, featuring Mike Myers as The Guru Pitka–an American turned Hindu guru.  Even though it bombed in ratings, I think it is still worth 88 minutes and $8.50 of your life.

I’ll give you the list, and you can reveal the spoilers if you want to.

Show SpoilersHide Spoilers

5. Justin Timberlake as Jacques “Le Coq” Grande

Justin Timberlake plays a magnificent-membered French hockey player with a curiously hilarious addiction to Celine Dion and Pop-Tarts/Ketchup pizzas.  Yes, he is “smuggling a schnauzer.”  In a locker room scene with a reporter, Jacques un-towels after a shower and a distinct thump is heard and then many gasps from all witnesses.

What could be funnier than a French man with a Celine Dion fetish played by Justin Timberlake?

4. The Anagrams

The Guru Pitka has many trademarked anagrams/sayings that help him teach.  This is probably a comedic ploy adored by only me and Mike Myers, but flippant intellectual right protection is strangely hilarious.

The trailer showed one anagram: G-U-R-U.  But the movie showcases many, many more trademarked anagrams that are worth seeing.

Clarity, Organization, Charm and Knowledge is another fantastic acronym.  But that’s only one.  There are several more.

3. Stephen Colbert as a sports announcer

Colbert appears alongside Jim Gaffigan as a sports announcer.  He showcases the Colbert sense of humor in a different, refreshing way.

In one part, Colbert explains the five spot (a hockey term) by using the on-screen illustrator.  He proceeds to draw a phallus by highlighting various parts of a picture of Justin Timberlake.  The camera pans out when the images get in appropriate, but watching Colbert actually finish the drawing is hilarious.

2. A Mike Myers cameo

I’ve already said to much.  Reveal spoilers–if you want to.

In the climax of the movie, Mike Myers appears, with Kanye West, saying “I love hockey!”  Myers clearly likes playing more than one character in his movies–but he’s not a narcissistic, role-muncher like Eddie Murphy.

1. Wayne’s World hat tip.

For fans of Myers, a well-placed inside joke is there to reward your years of loyalty.

For any Mike Myers fan, this was an awesome moment.  A car scene, intended to develop the “regression” plot of hockey star Darren Roanoke, involved an argument over the controls of the car stereo.  In switching the radio’s presets, the song Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen plays briefly, during which Guru Pitka (Myers) looks at the camera–effectively breaking the fourth wall–and rewarding his faithful fans with an inside joke.

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This week, Thomas brings you, for the first time in video, Cooking With Thomas!  Enjoy his wit as he teaches you to cook a Hot Dog.  Oh Yeah!

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29 agents made their way to Thriftway on April 1st, 2008 to stun the town by freezing for 5 short minutes. Agent Mel made the video.

Watch on YouTube! (for when you’re at home)

Those present:

• Agent Kovach (me)
• Agent Pride Fighter
• Agent Silverwoman
• Agen Braina
• Agent Kenny
• Agent Bacon
• Agent PO
• Agent Big Al
• Agent D-unit.
• Agent Cooler
• Agent Bindel
• Agent Brain
• Agent Smart
• Agent KAJ
• Agent Kay-shizzle
• Agent Wonder Woman
• Agents Mr. and Mrs. Incredible
• Agent Surprise!
• Agent Wells (who wouldn’t STFU)
• Agent Stephens (who wouldn’t STFU)
• Agent Mentz
• Agent Tonka
• Agent Shinny
• Agent Robinson
• Agent Beth
• Agent MJ

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Video coming soon.

For those of you who may have missed it, a group of 27 participants met up to shock Thriftway by freezing, in their store for 5 minutes. After the 5 minutes we unfroze and went along.

Those present:

• Agent Kovach (me)
• Agent Pride Fighter
• Agent Silverwoman
• Agen Braina
• Agent Kenny
• Agent Bacon
• Agent PO
• Agent Big Al
• Agent D-unit.
• Agent Cooler
• Agent Bindel
• Agent Brain
• Agent Smart
• Agent KAJ
• Agent Kay-shizzle
• Agent Wonder Woman
• Agents Mr. and Mrs. Incredible
• Agent Surprise!
• Agent Wells (who wouldn’t STFU)
• Agent Stephens (who wouldn’t STFU)
• Agent Mentz
• Agent Tonka
• Agent Shinny
• Agent Robinson
• Agent Beth
• Agent MJ

Many also showed up too late, so they just watched. Galleries and video (from Agent Mel) coming soon!

What happened?

• 6:20 – People begin showing up. First to show: Agent Braina.
• 6:30 – Agent Mel wasn’t there yet. Almost 20 people have arrived. Please sign the roll.
• 6:33 – Based on pages over the intercom. Agent Mel pages two people
  1. Randi paged: FREEZE!
  2. Audrey paged: THAW!
• 6:35 – Start trickling into the store–slowly so people wouldn’t panic.
• 6:40 – Mel shows up.
• 6:43 – “Randi, please meet your mom out front!”
• 6:48 – “Audrey, please come to the front of the store!”
• 7: 50 – Everybody giggled, met up and left.

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Update! RSVP on Facebook!

Who: Anyone who wants to come.
What: An improv comedy event. Everyone freezes in place for a specified period of time, thaws, then leaves.
When: April fools day… Briefing starts at 6:30PM
Where: Thriftway in Afton
Why: For fun.

For anyone who cares, I stole this hilarious idea from the genii in charge at improveverywhere.com.

How

Execution of this shenanigan will be crucial. Everyone must be in the Thriftway parking lot on time at 6:30 for briefing. The briefing will let you know of any important changes to the plan.

Since documentation will be so crucial, we’ll have a few people filming the whole event. Melanie Robinson will be there with her purse/video camera. We need more hidden camera videographers. If you have a small digital camera or something, please bring it and hide it! Hide it on a shopping cart and drive around. Place it between some Macaroni and Cheese on a shelf and leave it. Just make sure its in a good spot.

1. 6:30pm: Briefing.  This won’t take too long, but it’s super important!  I’ll go over final details and changes.  Be there or don’t participate!
2. 6:45pm: Everyone will enter the store inconspicuously (in a way that isn’t obvious). You might enter with a group of friends, but we won’t herd in together. Everybody should be in the store ready at 6:50
3. Shop… browse… do whatever—just act natural.
4. When 7:00 hits, listen to the intercom system.
5. When you hear the first intercom after 7:00 (if it’s not happening, Mel will get a bag boy paged), FREEZE!
6. Wait for five more intercom announcements, and then unfreeze after the last announcement finishes.  (Emergency plan: if it’s been about 5 minutes without an announcement, Mel will have a bag boy paged to help her.  At that point, leave.)
7. Act like nothing happened. Leave. It’s as simple as cake.

If you’re still confused, watch this video (it opens in a new window): Frozen Grand Central.

In summary

We’re freezing in Thriftway on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 for the duration of 5 intercom announcements (subject to change).

Be at the briefing in the Thriftway parking lot for final details.
Briefing: 6:30 PM
Everybody in the store by 6:50 PM
Freeze: the first announcement after 7:00PM

If you can, bring a camera or something so we can document this feat.

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For Prom of 2008, our group had a photo scavenger hunt. Each group was given a list of tasks written by the man from another group. We were given an hour to photograph everything. Here are the results.

Task: Photograph at least 7 odd tasks
Time allowed: 1 hour

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Couple: Brad Kovach & Susan Keeley
Completion: 10/7 (that’s right! we did them all)

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Couple: Thomas Wells and Analisa Stephens
Completion: 8/7 + smelly people

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Couple: Steven Campbell and Shalisa Christensen
Completion: 10/7 (second place for the photos on the police cars)

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Couple: Michael Lechner and Ariel Luthi
Completion: 10/7 (winners for the photo on Thomas’ couch)

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Silke recommends Calvin and Hobbes and the Dog Kick. Remember… recommend videos, and I’ll put them on my site for you!

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Cheese is so good. For me, it is difficult to describe how good cheese actually is. There is plenty of evidence that cheese improves the flavor of everything*. I’ve heard that cheese is high in fat, bad for the heart, and good for the spirit. Based on that evidence some cruel, heartless people abstain from consuming cheese, especially American cheese. Whatever. I invite you, in the comments section, to contribute your own cheese vice.

Cheese with…	Tastes…	Should you try it?
Coffee	Delicious. It’ is difficult to describe how the earthy flavors of coffee are mellowed out by the subtle flavors in cheese. Medium cheddar is great, mozzerella should be good as well.	Yes
Apples	Delicious. A sweet, but crisp apple (like a Granny Smith) is complemented by cheese. I recommend a medium cheddar.	Absolutely
Oreos™	Very good. It’s not absolutely delicious. Considering coffee’s dual role as a delicious complement to cheese and Oreos, it would fill the gap in this snack and make it Delicious.	Why not?

* I actually couldn’t find that it enhances EVERYTHING, I simply can’t think of anything it doesn’t enhance.

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