I am a lazy person.  If I don’t want to do something, it won’t get done immediately.  This laziness dominates everything I do, so you can naturally assume that my morning routine is a pathetic mad-dash for class, work, or wherever I need to be.

Days ago, an auto-grinding auto-brewing coffee maker was on sale for $55 on woot.com.  To be specific, it was the Cuisinart Grind & Brew 10-Cup Coffee Maker with Gold Tone Filter.  Normally about $140, this seemed like a great deal at the time.

I knew that this coffee maker would be a boon to my laziness.  If I just set it at night,  I could wake up in the morning and JUST KNOW that my coffee was freshly ground and brewed to perfection.  With this in mind, I knew that I could hit the snooze button several times and still make it to class “on time.”

It’s been three days, and I’ve already condemned this machine to “counter-top decoration” status.  And so begins the three day narrative of my experiences with the worst coffee maker ever designed…

Day 1.

I get a text from a coworker that my coffee machine has arrived at Starbucks.  I didn’t order it through Starbucks, but I work there and naturally have all of my cool new Internet things shipped there.  Getting a package through WWCC’s mail system is impossible.  The fact that it was a coffee maker being sent to Starbucks was amusing.

I take the machine home and unpack it.  I am immediately dismayed to discover that the automatic coffee grinder is a blade grinder.  Blade-ground coffee is disgusting compared to the full-flavored burr-ground coffee.

Once everything was washed and assembled, I realized that this is a gorgeous coffee maker (which is why I am leaving it on the counter).  It’s stainless steel and smooth.  The carafe is eye-catching.  Visually, I cannot tell that this is the most ill-conceived piece of coffee brewing equipment ever stamped out by a Chinese robot.

I set the clock on the unit and set the auto-brew timer for 8:00 am and headed to bed.

Yes, I just compared this coffee maker to Hitler.

Day 2.

I wake up to the sound of a jet flying overhead.  A few moments later, when my lucidity arrived, I realized the sound was my coffee maker discretely brewing a pot of coffee in the kitchen.  After about a minute, the screechs and whirrs of the grinder ceased and the coffee quietly brewed.  I drifted back to sleep because I didn’t need to be awake yet.

I wake up, get ready and pour a cup of coffee.  The coffee was palatable.  It wasn’t perfect.  I’ll be considerate and blame the old coffee beans for this lack of flavor.

I filled up my cup and went to class.  I was still late, but again, I cannot blame the coffee maker for that.  Actually, I can and I will: the coffee pot’s clock was EIGHT minutes slower than my phone–the same phone I used to set it the night before.

This coffee machine is a bastard.

Day 3.

Once again, I awake to the sound of my coffee maker grinding my sanity coffee to a pulp for brewing.  Despite the noise, I anticipate a decent cup of coffee since the beans were fresh.  I bought them the day before at Starbucks.  Knowing that my coffee maker was on top of things, I drifted back to sleep because I can.

45 minutes later (ten minutes to class), I wake up to a catastrophe.  I open my door to see a fresh pot of coffee brewed all over my floor.  Not only was my coffee ruined, but I am now forced to wipe a pot of coffee off the floor.

As I began to swab coffee off the floor with my Swiffer WetJet, I began to reconstruct the incident that has permanently condemned my coffee pot to a life of “looking pretty on the counter.”

The night before, I had filled the bean hopper with delicious, new coffee beans (Caffé Verona, if you care).  I filled the water tank with cold tap water.  I rinsed out all of the components because I wanted my coffee to be phenomenal the next morning.  The night before, I had failed to realize that I didn’t assemble the machine in its entirety.

Many coffee pots are built with a little valve that is activated by the top of the carafe.  Without something on the top of the carafe, the valve wouldn’t activate and the coffee will not flow through the valve and into the carafe.  My coffee maker is equipped with such a luxury.

Since I didn’t put the top back on the brewing carafe the night before, there was nothing to press up and activate the valve and let the coffee flow into the carafe–even though the carafe was in place.

Coffee gurgled out of the top of the machine because it had nowhere else to go–the valve was shut.  It filled my counter, pooled up on my floor and made my entire dorm smell like coffee with a hint of Swiffer WetJet mopping solution.  Magically, the gurgling coffee pot didn’t land a drop of coffee into the carafe.

I was late for class again.  My dorm was a mess.  Don’t buy this coffee maker.

I have some exciting news for everyone: I have successfully secured a position at the college radio station doing a weekly talk show.

You can consider this the return of Meet Someone New, but with much more content stretched over the course of an hour.  The format of the show will be changing a little, but the show itself should simply be an amusing hour involving funny stories, amusing personalities, weather forecasts and more.

That’s about the entirety of my endeavor. I should have the first airing posted for you soon after.

I just “seasoned” some Schwan’s Overpriced Teriyaki Wingz(tm) with a little puddle I squirted onto my plate from a bottle of “Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce.”  As I sat writhing in pain I said “I should write an article about this horrible pain experience.”  So I am.

Measuring How Hot Something Is…

When I contemplate things that shouldn’t be adulterated by logical hand of scientific analysis, I think of:

• Hot Sauce
• Pillow Fights
• Your mother

However bizarre as it may be, hot sauce and SPICYNESS in general has been analyzed scientifically.  And a scale has been written: the Scoville unit, eponymously named after Wilbur Scoville–a jerk that liked measuring hot things.

Scoville’s test involved taking a sample of the pepper’s extract and diluting it in sugar syrup until there is no detectable taste of heat.  We still use Scoville’s scale.  But, being a technologically inclined society, someone took all of the fun out of testing a pepper for heat with a robot and its robonose.

Now, a machine takes a sample, examines the chemicals, and a few magical moments later, the computer tells you how hot something is.  Personally, I’d much rather prefer the “precision,” “pain,” and “performance” of a human panel blasting their taste buds through rigorous heat examinations.

What is spice?

Very little is known about spiciness.  Please note: if Wikipedia doesn’t know, nobody does.

The feeling of spicyness is caused by capsaicin, a chemical that causes burning when in contact with mucous membranes.  Spicyness is not a flavor, but it is pain.  Your body has an actual endorphin response when in contact with spicy food.  Nerves are actually being tortured.  It isn’t a flavor, it’s a sensation!

My frustration sets in…

Don’t get me wrong, faithful readers, I love spicy food.  But I’m not a thrill seeker when it comes to blasting my tongue with chemical pain.  For one, I have Acid Reflux and spicy foods are not good for my esophagus.  Two, I don’t think it’s entirely necessary to have the “flavor” in extreme doses.  When a little dab will do it, why do you need the whole truckload‽ That’s right… I used an interrobang.

Here!  Look at this chart:

	Real World		Spicy Food
	Sleeping		Bell Pepper (0 SHU)
	Gentle handshake		Pepperoncini Peppers (100-500 SHU)
	Headlock		Jalapeño Peppers (2000 SHU)
	Kick to the crotch		Cayenne Peppers (30,000 SHU)
	Spinning Back Fist		Red Savina Habanero (300,000 SHU)
	Biting the curb		Naga Jolokia (855,000 SHU)

I hope you have found this chart useful. Please print this page for your handy reference. It SHOULD prove wildly convenient when you need to know how hot something is. Extra credit: memorize the chart.

Patheticness…

Please note that my birthday is coming up.  Compensate me for my HARD WORK by buying me something you can’t afford!

Citations and Images

• Wikipedia several times over
• Google Image Search
• SXC.hu
• chiliplants.co.uk

Dear BKaF,

I recently bet my friend $100 that the United States would win a gold medal in every single event we competed in.  Aside from Michael Phelps, we aren’t doing to [sic] well.

What can I do to resolve this situation? And, as a bonus question, how can I avoid this in the future?

Sincerely,
Overzealous Olympian

Dear Overconfident,

There are a number of things that you can do to remedy this situation:

Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit–even you!  When your friend asks you to pay up, show him the Wikipedia page summarizing the United States’ EPIC WIN at the Olympics.  If he starts asking to “see citations” you need to have a backup plan.  Try faking a seizure or saying “OH LOOK! AN EAGLE!”

Pay your friend

Yeah, we know, you’re trying to avoid this consequence, but you shouldn’t have opened your big yap in the first place.

Kill your friend

It’s harsh, but IT’S ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That’s more than some small countries’ GDP.  And it’s not just the money–it’s your pride.  Could you handle having a friend heckling you for “being gullible,” “being stupid,” “having a big mouth,” and “having bad grammar.”

Act like it never happened

When your friend stumbles around to gather his winnings he so-rightfully deserves, just say “What?  What do YOU MEAN I OWE YOU ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!”  He’ll inevitably ask for the money again, when you start faking a sub-standard lifestyle.  Try to convince your friend that you already spent your economic stimulus check.  And when that doesn’t work (It won’t–we promise) LIE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER LIED BEFORE.

Fall into hiding

This looks cozy.

We’ve never been THIS desperate to evade trouble, so we can’t give you any pointers on living in the jungle, although we can recommend a soundtrack!

Kill yourself

Believe us–if the Japanese made this bet, they’d already be dead.  The ancient suicide ritual seppuku has spared thousands (millions?) of Japanese the embarrassment of admitting failure.  But, seeing how you’ve written this letter, you’ve already admitted that you lost.  This is probably not your best option.

We really hope that this run-down of cowardly escape routes has helped you maintain your measly net worth, and helped you score $100 dollars from your smarter-than-you friend.

Oh, and your bonus question about avoiding this problem in the future?  Answer: shut your mouth.  That should be rather obvious.

Thanks for writing in!
Brad Kovach and Friends

If you need a slice of wisdom, email us for help!

ask@bradkovach.com

We look forward to solving your problems!

Yes, the critics have crushed The Love Guru, featuring Mike Myers as The Guru Pitka–an American turned Hindu guru.  Even though it bombed in ratings, I think it is still worth 88 minutes and $8.50 of your life.

I’ll give you the list, and you can reveal the spoilers if you want to.

Show SpoilersHide Spoilers

5. Justin Timberlake as Jacques “Le Coq” Grande

Justin Timberlake plays a magnificent-membered French hockey player with a curiously hilarious addiction to Celine Dion and Pop-Tarts/Ketchup pizzas.  Yes, he is “smuggling a schnauzer.”  In a locker room scene with a reporter, Jacques un-towels after a shower and a distinct thump is heard and then many gasps from all witnesses.

What could be funnier than a French man with a Celine Dion fetish played by Justin Timberlake?

4. The Anagrams

The Guru Pitka has many trademarked anagrams/sayings that help him teach.  This is probably a comedic ploy adored by only me and Mike Myers, but flippant intellectual right protection is strangely hilarious.

The trailer showed one anagram: G-U-R-U.  But the movie showcases many, many more trademarked anagrams that are worth seeing.

Clarity, Organization, Charm and Knowledge is another fantastic acronym.  But that’s only one.  There are several more.

3. Stephen Colbert as a sports announcer

Colbert appears alongside Jim Gaffigan as a sports announcer.  He showcases the Colbert sense of humor in a different, refreshing way.

In one part, Colbert explains the five spot (a hockey term) by using the on-screen illustrator.  He proceeds to draw a phallus by highlighting various parts of a picture of Justin Timberlake.  The camera pans out when the images get in appropriate, but watching Colbert actually finish the drawing is hilarious.

2. A Mike Myers cameo

I’ve already said to much.  Reveal spoilers–if you want to.

In the climax of the movie, Mike Myers appears, with Kanye West, saying “I love hockey!”  Myers clearly likes playing more than one character in his movies–but he’s not a narcissistic, role-muncher like Eddie Murphy.

1. Wayne’s World hat tip.

For fans of Myers, a well-placed inside joke is there to reward your years of loyalty.

For any Mike Myers fan, this was an awesome moment.  A car scene, intended to develop the “regression” plot of hockey star Darren Roanoke, involved an argument over the controls of the car stereo.  In switching the radio’s presets, the song Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen plays briefly, during which Guru Pitka (Myers) looks at the camera–effectively breaking the fourth wall–and rewarding his faithful fans with an inside joke.

This week, Thomas brings you, for the first time in video, Cooking With Thomas!  Enjoy his wit as he teaches you to cook a Hot Dog.  Oh Yeah!

In the new, digital economy, security is becoming more and more important. Online accounts are available everywhere. Your data needs to be safe. Security engineers have been paying a lot of attention to online security lately. Here are some trends in online security that are making the Internet a safer place.

1. Security Keys

Multi-factor authentication, or a way of using MORE than a username and password to prove your identity, is making serious advances.

Security keys are one popular multi-factor method of securing online accounts. Basically, you’re issued a device that contains a unique code generation algorithm. On the keychain-sized device, a 6-digit code changes every 30 seconds. The algorithm is shared between your device and the server that you’ll be authenticating with, so the server can generate the number, too. When the time comes to login, both ends of the transaction are able to generate THE SAME NUMBER and authenticate.

Currently, eBay/PayPal is mass-marketing these security devices. You can secure (not that it already isn’t) your account for a one-time fee of $5.00 USD. After your account is secured, it needs a username a password AND 6 digits that change every 30 seconds.  Unfortunately, this is ONLY available in the United States, Germany, and Australia.

PayPal.com

2. Key-Based Authentication

Another advance in the identity-proving arena is key-based authentication. Rather than a username and password, a user has a login key that contains a unique set of information–unique only to the visitor.

The authenticating server is equipped with a public-safe variant of that private key giving the user the digital equivalent of a padlock/key system. When a connection is initiated with a server, your computer encrypts your key in a securely-encrypted tunnel, sends it to the server where it is then decrypted (if you added a password) and matched against the key file (padlock). If successful, you are securely authenticated to the service. Essentially, rather than a short password that you have to type in, you have a long (1024 bits isn’t out-of-the-ordinary) password file that takes the password’s place.

Public implementations of this are still in the works; however, SSH has been using it for a long time now.

Learn more: http://www.laubenheimer.net/ssh-keys.shtml
Secure Shell on Wikipedia

3. OpenID

Attempts at central online identity management have been attempted in the past, but many experts say that OpenID is the best, most efficient and most flexible unified sign on system to bless the internet so far.

Logging in with OpenID couldn’t be easier. Rather than a username/password prompt, you’re asked to provide your OpenID identity URL. This URL can be anywhere. AOL, WordPress, and many other websites host your login identities as OpenID identities. In emails I have exchanged with Facebook, I know that they, too, are working to become an OpenID provider.

After entering your OpenID identity URL, you’ll be sent to your OpenID provider (eg: AOL) to verify your identity. It is up to the particular provider to determine the challenges that grant you access to your account. Verisign Labs, who licensed the PayPal Security Key, is providing OpenID solutions WITH your PayPal security key.  Most challenge with a simple username and password.

More information here: http://openid.net/
VeriSign PIP: http://pip.verisignlabs.com

4. Ambiguous Password Failure

When programming an authentication system, care must be taken to not reveal the underpinnings of the system and its structure.

Many websites will reveal the existence of an account to a potentially malicious user by saying “incorrect password.” The problem exists that with that type of verification, a malicious user knows that an account exists under the requested name and can proceed to breaking in with a brute-force or dictionary attack.

Now, many websites are just saying that the username/password is incorrect. Not only does this foil malicious cracker logins, but it causes the user to reassess his or her login credentials.

Conclusion

If you’ve seen good online security practices in the wild, let the world know in the comments area.

Even though I prefer to use Linux, I use Windows for one big reason. Even though this juggernaut operating system sucks, there are still plenty of open-source programs to soften the blow. All of these programs are free as in beer, and free as in speech. Enjoy!

1. Launchy

Launchy is the free and open-source program launcher that takes its cue from Quicksilver for the Mac.  Summon Launchy with a configurable keystroke, type enough for Launchy to determine what you’re trying to launch and hit enter!  Launchy will open whatever you typed.  In the picture, Launchy knows that I want to launch Mozilla Firefox.

License: GPL
launchy.net

2. Print Flush

If you hate the way that Windows handles print queue management, you need Print Flush!  Print Flush takes all of the steps involved in emancipating a stuck printer queue and puts them at a double click.  It’s easy enough for your Grandma to use, and I just GPL’d it–loosely.  I didn’t include the GPL license because that would have more-than-doubled the size of the download!  Print Flush is designed to be lean and mean.

License: GPLv3
bradkovach.com to learn more or download now

3. TrueCrypt

I hesitated to put TrueCrypt on the list, but decided to do so because it has one very strong focus: user security.  TrueCrypt is the most robust file encryption system in the world.  TrueCrypt combines open-source and military-strength in a very beautiful, cross-platform solution.  It has support for keyfiles, hidden volumes (which are too cool to explain), and–did I mention that it’s cross-platform?

License: TrueCrypt Collective License
truecrypt.org

4. Pidgin

Instant messengers rejoice!  Pidgin provides open-source instant messaging built on the open-source libpurple.  Supports ANY messenger platform you can think of (except Facebook Chat–but I’m sure it’s coming).

License: GPLv2
pidgin.im

5. WinSCP

WinSCP provides open-source, high-security file transfers using a variety of transfer protocols: SCP, SFTP, and the less-secure FTP.  WinSCP is very stable, very robust, and very easy to use.  Supports SSH keys for extremely secure authentication.

License: GPL
winscp.net

Honorable mentions

I’m including these programs because they are good, but their licenses are somewhat restrictive or they’re not appealing to a massive audience.

1. RSSOwl is a great RSS reader.  It is built on Java, so it is cross-platform.  I happily use it.  It is licensed under the Eclipse Public License which is a business friendly free software license.
2. Notepad++ is a free, open-source file editor.  It features syntax highlighting features for dozens of languages, a tabbed interface, and a powerful find and replace system.  It is licensed under the GPL (good for you!) but it’s rather intimidating to the casual user, which is why it is an honorable mention.
3. Mozilla Firefox is the poster-child for the open-source movement.  Unfortunately, although it claims to be GPL licensed, it is licensed under the MPL or Mozilla Public License.  MPL isn’t GPL compatible, which means that Mozilla Firefox isn’t GPL compliant.  Also, users are subject to the Mozilla EULA, which is a corporate end user license agreement.  That is semi-restrictive–therefore: honorable mention. * See corrections

Corrections

Apparently, with Mozilla Firefox’s source, you get to pick the license you operate under.

Most of the source code in mozilla, including the firefox bits are tri-licensed under the MPL/GPL/LGPL, meaning you pick which license you want to use the source as. It’s not a smelly ExtJs situation. You want it to be GPL, it’s GPL.

- according to itsnotlupus and eurleif from reddit

Whenever I go shopping, I ALWAYS get receipts–because I am a conscious shopper. If I become an UNHAPPY consumer, a receipt is always a good way to prove that you bought something.

Lately, however, I would like to KILL everyone that uses receipts that could double as banners! As I shopped guiltlessly for things that I do not need, but totally want, I started drawing a dreadful conclusion: RECEIPTS ARE BECOMING WAY TOO BIG.

I devised a formula that shows the efficiency of receipt usage:

A score above 200 is obscenely huge.

A score between 50 and 200 is great.

A score below 50 is commendable.

Wal*Mart

I bought a PLAYSTATION 3 DUALSHOCK3 Controller. The receipt had a brief survey. They don’t always include a survey.

• Area: 180.91cm²
• Items sold: 1
• Score: 180.91

Subway

I bought a meal for myself and a sandwich for a friend.

• Area: 191.97cm²
• Items Sold: 4
• Score: 47.99

McDonald’s

Bought 5 double cheeseburgers and 2 small drinks for my brother and I.

• Area: 123.24cm²
• Items Sold: 7
• Score: 17.605

Circuit City

I bought A SINGLE ROCK BAND GUITAR. This receipt is hideous. It has surveys, contests, thanks, thanks and more thanks, and a little part for what I bought. Hideous.

• Area: 335.5cm²
• Items sold: 1
• Score: 335.5

Your Turn

If you care about the planet, take action and tell a store how hideous their receipts are. I’d like to see some of your FAVORITE receipt scores in the comments.

Sorry everyone, but it’s late! I do, however, have the Calculus Test (final) 4 note card done.

Click the card or click here to download.

Julie Approved!