Dear BKaF,

I recently bet my friend $100 that the United States would win a gold medal in every single event we competed in.  Aside from Michael Phelps, we aren’t doing to [sic] well.

What can I do to resolve this situation? And, as a bonus question, how can I avoid this in the future?

Sincerely,
Overzealous Olympian

Dear Overconfident,

There are a number of things that you can do to remedy this situation:

Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit–even you!  When your friend asks you to pay up, show him the Wikipedia page summarizing the United States’ EPIC WIN at the Olympics.  If he starts asking to “see citations” you need to have a backup plan.  Try faking a seizure or saying “OH LOOK! AN EAGLE!”

Pay your friend

Yeah, we know, you’re trying to avoid this consequence, but you shouldn’t have opened your big yap in the first place.

Kill your friend

It’s harsh, but IT’S ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That’s more than some small countries’ GDP.  And it’s not just the money–it’s your pride.  Could you handle having a friend heckling you for “being gullible,” “being stupid,” “having a big mouth,” and “having bad grammar.”

Act like it never happened

When your friend stumbles around to gather his winnings he so-rightfully deserves, just say “What?  What do YOU MEAN I OWE YOU ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!”  He’ll inevitably ask for the money again, when you start faking a sub-standard lifestyle.  Try to convince your friend that you already spent your economic stimulus check.  And when that doesn’t work (It won’t–we promise) LIE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER LIED BEFORE.

Fall into hiding

This looks cozy.

We’ve never been THIS desperate to evade trouble, so we can’t give you any pointers on living in the jungle, although we can recommend a soundtrack!

Kill yourself

Believe us–if the Japanese made this bet, they’d already be dead.  The ancient suicide ritual seppuku has spared thousands (millions?) of Japanese the embarrassment of admitting failure.  But, seeing how you’ve written this letter, you’ve already admitted that you lost.  This is probably not your best option.

We really hope that this run-down of cowardly escape routes has helped you maintain your measly net worth, and helped you score $100 dollars from your smarter-than-you friend.

Oh, and your bonus question about avoiding this problem in the future?  Answer: shut your mouth.  That should be rather obvious.

Thanks for writing in!
Brad Kovach and Friends

If you need a slice of wisdom, email us for help!

ask@bradkovach.com

We look forward to solving your problems!

Yes, the critics have crushed The Love Guru, featuring Mike Myers as The Guru Pitka–an American turned Hindu guru.  Even though it bombed in ratings, I think it is still worth 88 minutes and $8.50 of your life.

I’ll give you the list, and you can reveal the spoilers if you want to.

Show SpoilersHide Spoilers

5. Justin Timberlake as Jacques “Le Coq” Grande

Justin Timberlake plays a magnificent-membered French hockey player with a curiously hilarious addiction to Celine Dion and Pop-Tarts/Ketchup pizzas.  Yes, he is “smuggling a schnauzer.”  In a locker room scene with a reporter, Jacques un-towels after a shower and a distinct thump is heard and then many gasps from all witnesses.

What could be funnier than a French man with a Celine Dion fetish played by Justin Timberlake?

4. The Anagrams

The Guru Pitka has many trademarked anagrams/sayings that help him teach.  This is probably a comedic ploy adored by only me and Mike Myers, but flippant intellectual right protection is strangely hilarious.

The trailer showed one anagram: G-U-R-U.  But the movie showcases many, many more trademarked anagrams that are worth seeing.

Clarity, Organization, Charm and Knowledge is another fantastic acronym.  But that’s only one.  There are several more.

3. Stephen Colbert as a sports announcer

Colbert appears alongside Jim Gaffigan as a sports announcer.  He showcases the Colbert sense of humor in a different, refreshing way.

In one part, Colbert explains the five spot (a hockey term) by using the on-screen illustrator.  He proceeds to draw a phallus by highlighting various parts of a picture of Justin Timberlake.  The camera pans out when the images get in appropriate, but watching Colbert actually finish the drawing is hilarious.

2. A Mike Myers cameo

I’ve already said to much.  Reveal spoilers–if you want to.

In the climax of the movie, Mike Myers appears, with Kanye West, saying “I love hockey!”  Myers clearly likes playing more than one character in his movies–but he’s not a narcissistic, role-muncher like Eddie Murphy.

1. Wayne’s World hat tip.

For fans of Myers, a well-placed inside joke is there to reward your years of loyalty.

For any Mike Myers fan, this was an awesome moment.  A car scene, intended to develop the “regression” plot of hockey star Darren Roanoke, involved an argument over the controls of the car stereo.  In switching the radio’s presets, the song Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen plays briefly, during which Guru Pitka (Myers) looks at the camera–effectively breaking the fourth wall–and rewarding his faithful fans with an inside joke.

This week, Thomas brings you, for the first time in video, Cooking With Thomas!  Enjoy his wit as he teaches you to cook a Hot Dog.  Oh Yeah!

In the new, digital economy, security is becoming more and more important. Online accounts are available everywhere. Your data needs to be safe. Security engineers have been paying a lot of attention to online security lately. Here are some trends in online security that are making the Internet a safer place.

1. Security Keys

Multi-factor authentication, or a way of using MORE than a username and password to prove your identity, is making serious advances.

Security keys are one popular multi-factor method of securing online accounts. Basically, you’re issued a device that contains a unique code generation algorithm. On the keychain-sized device, a 6-digit code changes every 30 seconds. The algorithm is shared between your device and the server that you’ll be authenticating with, so the server can generate the number, too. When the time comes to login, both ends of the transaction are able to generate THE SAME NUMBER and authenticate.

Currently, eBay/PayPal is mass-marketing these security devices. You can secure (not that it already isn’t) your account for a one-time fee of $5.00 USD. After your account is secured, it needs a username a password AND 6 digits that change every 30 seconds.  Unfortunately, this is ONLY available in the United States, Germany, and Australia.

PayPal.com

2. Key-Based Authentication

Another advance in the identity-proving arena is key-based authentication. Rather than a username and password, a user has a login key that contains a unique set of information–unique only to the visitor.

The authenticating server is equipped with a public-safe variant of that private key giving the user the digital equivalent of a padlock/key system. When a connection is initiated with a server, your computer encrypts your key in a securely-encrypted tunnel, sends it to the server where it is then decrypted (if you added a password) and matched against the key file (padlock). If successful, you are securely authenticated to the service. Essentially, rather than a short password that you have to type in, you have a long (1024 bits isn’t out-of-the-ordinary) password file that takes the password’s place.

Public implementations of this are still in the works; however, SSH has been using it for a long time now.

Learn more: http://www.laubenheimer.net/ssh-keys.shtml
Secure Shell on Wikipedia

3. OpenID

Attempts at central online identity management have been attempted in the past, but many experts say that OpenID is the best, most efficient and most flexible unified sign on system to bless the internet so far.

Logging in with OpenID couldn’t be easier. Rather than a username/password prompt, you’re asked to provide your OpenID identity URL. This URL can be anywhere. AOL, WordPress, and many other websites host your login identities as OpenID identities. In emails I have exchanged with Facebook, I know that they, too, are working to become an OpenID provider.

After entering your OpenID identity URL, you’ll be sent to your OpenID provider (eg: AOL) to verify your identity. It is up to the particular provider to determine the challenges that grant you access to your account. Verisign Labs, who licensed the PayPal Security Key, is providing OpenID solutions WITH your PayPal security key.  Most challenge with a simple username and password.

More information here: http://openid.net/
VeriSign PIP: http://pip.verisignlabs.com

4. Ambiguous Password Failure

When programming an authentication system, care must be taken to not reveal the underpinnings of the system and its structure.

Many websites will reveal the existence of an account to a potentially malicious user by saying “incorrect password.” The problem exists that with that type of verification, a malicious user knows that an account exists under the requested name and can proceed to breaking in with a brute-force or dictionary attack.

Now, many websites are just saying that the username/password is incorrect. Not only does this foil malicious cracker logins, but it causes the user to reassess his or her login credentials.

Conclusion

If you’ve seen good online security practices in the wild, let the world know in the comments area.

Even though I prefer to use Linux, I use Windows for one big reason. Even though this juggernaut operating system sucks, there are still plenty of open-source programs to soften the blow. All of these programs are free as in beer, and free as in speech. Enjoy!

1. Launchy

Launchy is the free and open-source program launcher that takes its cue from Quicksilver for the Mac.  Summon Launchy with a configurable keystroke, type enough for Launchy to determine what you’re trying to launch and hit enter!  Launchy will open whatever you typed.  In the picture, Launchy knows that I want to launch Mozilla Firefox.

License: GPL
launchy.net

2. Print Flush

If you hate the way that Windows handles print queue management, you need Print Flush!  Print Flush takes all of the steps involved in emancipating a stuck printer queue and puts them at a double click.  It’s easy enough for your Grandma to use, and I just GPL’d it–loosely.  I didn’t include the GPL license because that would have more-than-doubled the size of the download!  Print Flush is designed to be lean and mean.

License: GPLv3
bradkovach.com to learn more or download now

3. TrueCrypt

I hesitated to put TrueCrypt on the list, but decided to do so because it has one very strong focus: user security.  TrueCrypt is the most robust file encryption system in the world.  TrueCrypt combines open-source and military-strength in a very beautiful, cross-platform solution.  It has support for keyfiles, hidden volumes (which are too cool to explain), and–did I mention that it’s cross-platform?

License: TrueCrypt Collective License
truecrypt.org

4. Pidgin

Instant messengers rejoice!  Pidgin provides open-source instant messaging built on the open-source libpurple.  Supports ANY messenger platform you can think of (except Facebook Chat–but I’m sure it’s coming).

License: GPLv2
pidgin.im

5. WinSCP

WinSCP provides open-source, high-security file transfers using a variety of transfer protocols: SCP, SFTP, and the less-secure FTP.  WinSCP is very stable, very robust, and very easy to use.  Supports SSH keys for extremely secure authentication.

License: GPL
winscp.net

Honorable mentions

I’m including these programs because they are good, but their licenses are somewhat restrictive or they’re not appealing to a massive audience.

1. RSSOwl is a great RSS reader.  It is built on Java, so it is cross-platform.  I happily use it.  It is licensed under the Eclipse Public License which is a business friendly free software license.
2. Notepad++ is a free, open-source file editor.  It features syntax highlighting features for dozens of languages, a tabbed interface, and a powerful find and replace system.  It is licensed under the GPL (good for you!) but it’s rather intimidating to the casual user, which is why it is an honorable mention.
3. Mozilla Firefox is the poster-child for the open-source movement.  Unfortunately, although it claims to be GPL licensed, it is licensed under the MPL or Mozilla Public License.  MPL isn’t GPL compatible, which means that Mozilla Firefox isn’t GPL compliant.  Also, users are subject to the Mozilla EULA, which is a corporate end user license agreement.  That is semi-restrictive–therefore: honorable mention. * See corrections

Corrections

Apparently, with Mozilla Firefox’s source, you get to pick the license you operate under.

Most of the source code in mozilla, including the firefox bits are tri-licensed under the MPL/GPL/LGPL, meaning you pick which license you want to use the source as. It’s not a smelly ExtJs situation. You want it to be GPL, it’s GPL.

- according to itsnotlupus and eurleif from reddit

Whenever I go shopping, I ALWAYS get receipts–because I am a conscious shopper. If I become an UNHAPPY consumer, a receipt is always a good way to prove that you bought something.

Lately, however, I would like to KILL everyone that uses receipts that could double as banners! As I shopped guiltlessly for things that I do not need, but totally want, I started drawing a dreadful conclusion: RECEIPTS ARE BECOMING WAY TOO BIG.

I devised a formula that shows the efficiency of receipt usage:

A score above 200 is obscenely huge.

A score between 50 and 200 is great.

A score below 50 is commendable.

Wal*Mart

I bought a PLAYSTATION 3 DUALSHOCK3 Controller. The receipt had a brief survey. They don’t always include a survey.

• Area: 180.91cm²
• Items sold: 1
• Score: 180.91

Subway

I bought a meal for myself and a sandwich for a friend.

• Area: 191.97cm²
• Items Sold: 4
• Score: 47.99

McDonald’s

Bought 5 double cheeseburgers and 2 small drinks for my brother and I.

• Area: 123.24cm²
• Items Sold: 7
• Score: 17.605

Circuit City

I bought A SINGLE ROCK BAND GUITAR. This receipt is hideous. It has surveys, contests, thanks, thanks and more thanks, and a little part for what I bought. Hideous.

• Area: 335.5cm²
• Items sold: 1
• Score: 335.5

Your Turn

If you care about the planet, take action and tell a store how hideous their receipts are. I’d like to see some of your FAVORITE receipt scores in the comments.

Sorry everyone, but it’s late! I do, however, have the Calculus Test (final) 4 note card done.

Click the card or click here to download.

Julie Approved!

Situation: You’re sitting at your computer downloading stuff. You paid for it, and you received digital copies instantly. There were no humans, except you, involved, and there was virtually no labor involved in distribution.

Background

Supply and Demand is an economic concept that states that the best price for an item is found where a supply curve and a demand curve meet. It’s a very accurate way to determine how much to charge for an item–it’s the economic concept that drives the United States.

However, with globalization and the popularization of digital assets, such as a media file, the typical supply and demand curves are difficult–if not impossible–to chart.

The two parts of the S&D concept are, of course, supply and demand.

Law of Demand

When a price for an item is higher, demand for that item is typically lower. the relationship is inversely proportional. Basically–If people want something, they’re willing to pay for it.

Law of Supply

When a price increases, production must also increase to maintain profits.

Elasticity

Where changes in factors cause change in supply and demand relations an availability of a substitute is a great influence of Elasticity–if a competing product is stealing your business, you’ll change some factors (price, probably) to get them back.

You can see how a delicate balance of these laws would be good for the economy. This balance is referred to as equilibrium.

A recent example: The Nintendo Wii game console’s impossible-to-find status during the 2007-2008 Holiday season. Even at an estimated production of 1.8 million consoles per month, sales of over 400,000 kept the shelves wiped out.

An un-example: Fuel prices. They’re high because the oil companies want the money. Demand hasn’t risen, but it has fell due to high prices. But, if a dramatic decrease in fuel prices occurred, demand would raise–and then the price would have to skyrocket, yet again.

That’s great, but consider a digital economy:

Supply

Infinite. Rather than distributing goods, copies of the goods are automatically made and then distributed.

Demand

Variable, depending on the price set, and how the items are desired.

So does digital supply and demand exist?

Some say “No.” When using the traditional model of supply and demand, an infinite supply makes it impossible to calculate equilibrium–any calculator would return an ERROR.

But in a way “Yes.” You cannot sell a product without demand. Without demand, there would not be a buyer. Without a buyer, supply is not necessary. Therefore, without demand, supply is not necessary. You must have demand if you expect to sell your supply.

Therefore, an unlimited supply should not be factored into digital economics. Rather than a supply, a goal has to be set. How much did this production cost? And how many people do I expect to buy it? When those questions are answered, profit can be calculated.

Production cost:     $25,000.00  # I don't know how much money it takes

Desired cost         $      .99

Units Sold:              25,253
Actual Cost Per Unit	  $0.99  # Production Cost / Units Sold

Profit Per Unit	          $0.00  # Desired Cost - Actual Cost

Profit	                  $0.47  # (Desired Cost * Units Sold)-Production Cost

I built a digital economics toy that requires Microsoft Excel to play with. If you don’t have Excel, download this and upload it to Google Documents–the equations will work.

Digital Supply and Demand Spreadsheet

If you use Microsoft Excel, you can use the “Goal Seek” function to help you solve for values. In Office 2007, click “Data > What-if Analysis > Goal Seek” and set the values. You’ll find the calculator rather interesting.

The cost of producing these goods is the same for one item sold as it is for 2 million. The profit is what softens the blow. Interestingly, with these numbers, after 33,310,474.71 copies of this item, the Actual Cost Per Unit reaches $0.00.

Digital Rights Management (DRM)

One parallel that cannot be drawn between online items and real, tangible items is the ability to sell and redistribute.

For example, if I purchased a CD from… say… Wal*Mart, I could use that CD a few times, and then I could take that CD and sell it or give it away. Online-purchased media, however, comes in sealed-to-your-identity packages.

You have NO means of giving that digital media to a friend. You have NO means of selling that digital media back to the market in ANY way. If you decide for any reason that the product is defective, you can’t take it back, you can’t get a refund–because it’s impossible with the current state of online markets.

In Conclusion

I think that supply and demand exists in a digital economy–but not in the same way as it does in the analog world. Items must be sold to meet a quota, not to meet market demand. After the quota is reached, all earnings are PURE PROFIT. Products aren’t being sold to us in a fair way, either. Rather than having the right to distribute a digital product.

Dear Mr. KOVACH,

Our records identify you as a man who may be required to register with Selective Service, but has not done so. You may register online via the Internet at www.sss.gov, by telephone, or indicate you are registered by completing Section A of the enclosed Registration Status Form. If you believe you are not required to register, complete Section B of the form and provide supporting evidence (copies only). Please verify and, if necessary, correct all information on the form. Sign and date the form and return it to us in the enclosed envelope within 10 days.

Failure to register with Selective Service is a Federal crime punishable by a fine and imprisonment. Men who fail to register may be unable to obtain U.S. citizenship, and are not eligible for certain Federal benefits, such as job training, student financial aid and government employment. Registration protects that eligibility. Our objective is to register you, not to have you prosecuted.

If you need help in completing the form, or have questions about registering, phone us at: 1-888-655-1825.

I’m 18 now–and I have the Gillette Fusion razor to prove it. (For the uninitiated, Gillette gives every man a free razor for his 18th birthday. I don’t know how they know that you’re turning 18, but they JUST DO.)

I received this cheery letter today. For those too impatient to read it, it kindly tried to state that I have to register for Selective Service, or I will go to jail. I muttered to myself “WHAT A PAIN!” And then, amidst the threats of prosecution, there it was: a website. A place on the Internet–where 90% of my time seems to go–where I can just fill out the form and get on with my life. Awesome, right?!

Wrong.

WHO IS IN CHARGE AT THE IT DEPARTMENT THERE? This website is a disaster. I tried to register, but I got a timeout error screen, which means a server wasn’t responding to my requests.

This poorly configured server, which has inevitably confronted 75% of all US men who’ve tried to register online, is turning away tons of traffic. And why? Because somebody forgot to check a box when the set the site up. I finally got to the website. The problem? I forgot to put “www.” in front of the address. Oops.

I finally get in and am greeted by their army of animated GIFs.

Look, US Government, if you’re going to force your country’s men to do a tedious task that SHOULD be taken care of for us, at least make the process work. By “SHOULD be taken care of for us,” I mean that they have the means to just pull our names out of a hat. Why don’t they? If they knew I’m 18, why didn’t they just REGISTER ME?

Neil Hokanson, who is more enlightened on matters patriotic, what is the answer?

Just remember–if it’s your turn to go through this rigamarole, don’t forget the www.

29 agents made their way to Thriftway on April 1st, 2008 to stun the town by freezing for 5 short minutes. Agent Mel made the video.

Watch on YouTube! (for when you’re at home)

Those present:

• Agent Kovach (me)
• Agent Pride Fighter
• Agent Silverwoman
• Agen Braina
• Agent Kenny
• Agent Bacon
• Agent PO
• Agent Big Al
• Agent D-unit.
• Agent Cooler
• Agent Bindel
• Agent Brain
• Agent Smart
• Agent KAJ
• Agent Kay-shizzle
• Agent Wonder Woman
• Agents Mr. and Mrs. Incredible
• Agent Surprise!
• Agent Wells (who wouldn’t STFU)
• Agent Stephens (who wouldn’t STFU)
• Agent Mentz
• Agent Tonka
• Agent Shinny
• Agent Robinson
• Agent Beth
• Agent MJ