5 Reasons Why Exercise Sucks.
Madness? THIS! IS! EXERCISE!
I have decided to become fat. Grotesquely so, even. Because activity sucks. Period.
I’ve compiled a list of reasons, gathered over many years of study and inactivity, to prove my statement.
Let’s Go:
#1: Sweat.
Yes, you all know the feeling. You’re sitting next to that cute girl (or guy, depending), and your pheremones go into overdrive, creating a slight amount of moisture, which, if you’re lucky, is dissapated by your chosen anti-perspirant. Now take the uncomfortableness that you get from this experience, and multiply it by 1,000,000,000. That’s what sweat when you’re truely exercising feels like. No amount of chalky-white armpit dehydrator will save you now. Those glowy-sweat Gatorade commercials were lies. LIES!
This boy is a deceiver.
#2 Pain.
If you look at the officially compiled lists that speak about people who die, exercise is ranked second, right underneath shark attacks. It is a little known fact that the soreness you feel after exercise is actually your body shutting down right before you kick the bucket.
Don't exercise. And stay out of the water.
#3 Pain.
I think this bears repeating. Have you ever used a friggin’ jumprope?
Satan's vessel in the mortal realm.
#4 Lack of Instantaneous Gratification.
Well, you might be thinking, the above reasons are bad, but I will sacrifice just this once for the promise of a hot-sexy-bod. So, you go out, defy death and sweat, and run a mile. Upon arriving at home, you step on the scale, and–BAM–nothing has happened. “What is this madness?” you ask. I hate to be the one to have to break the news, but exercise is not the miracle you’ve expected. You have to do it more than once! Sometimes three times a week! What the hell!? I also hear that you have to combine it with *shudder*, a DIET! This is too much to ask.
As much as Arnold would like us to believe, this is harder than it looks.
#5 Video Games
Finally, all the time spent doing all this running and jumping would have been much better spent playing video games.
Remember folks, friends don’t let friends exercise.
-Tom
About Thomas
Thomas Wells came in to the world on December 7, 1989, covered in goobers and various other slimy things. Not much has changed since then. When he grows up, he wants to write comic books, and never do any real work.
4 Responses to “5 Reasons Why Exercise Sucks.”
Jessica Tanguay
On August 10th, 2008
8:30 pm
That jumprope looks like an instrument of death.
Leanne Smith
On August 25th, 2008
6:32 pm
I have to admit that I’m a little disappointed:) Brad, I thought you had a great time in aerobics! Thomas, at least you tried:) Jessica, keep up the great work in the independent - I’m sure your ideas will keep coming as long as you keep physically active. You are all awesome.
Jim Mc
On August 28th, 2008
10:22 pm
Arnold looks like an instrument of death.
I’ll be back…
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Brad Kovach
On August 10th, 2008
8:13 am
BEST. ARTICLE. EVER.
I loved the conclusion.