BKaF – Brad Kovach and Friends

I just “seasoned” some Schwan’s Overpriced Teriyaki Wingz(tm) with a little puddle I squirted onto my plate from a bottle of “Sriracha Hot Chili Sauce.”  As I sat writhing in pain I said “I should write an article about this horrible pain experience.”  So I am.

Measuring How Hot Something Is…

When I contemplate things that shouldn’t be adulterated by logical hand of scientific analysis, I think of:

• Hot Sauce
• Pillow Fights
• Your mother

However bizarre as it may be, hot sauce and SPICYNESS in general has been analyzed scientifically.  And a scale has been written: the Scoville unit, eponymously named after Wilbur Scoville–a jerk that liked measuring hot things.

Scoville’s test involved taking a sample of the pepper’s extract and diluting it in sugar syrup until there is no detectable taste of heat.  We still use Scoville’s scale.  But, being a technologically inclined society, someone took all of the fun out of testing a pepper for heat with a robot and its robonose.

Now, a machine takes a sample, examines the chemicals, and a few magical moments later, the computer tells you how hot something is.  Personally, I’d much rather prefer the “precision,” “pain,” and “performance” of a human panel blasting their taste buds through rigorous heat examinations.

What is spice?

Very little is known about spiciness.  Please note: if Wikipedia doesn’t know, nobody does.

The feeling of spicyness is caused by capsaicin, a chemical that causes burning when in contact with mucous membranes.  Spicyness is not a flavor, but it is pain.  Your body has an actual endorphin response when in contact with spicy food.  Nerves are actually being tortured.  It isn’t a flavor, it’s a sensation!

My frustration sets in…

Don’t get me wrong, faithful readers, I love spicy food.  But I’m not a thrill seeker when it comes to blasting my tongue with chemical pain.  For one, I have Acid Reflux and spicy foods are not good for my esophagus.  Two, I don’t think it’s entirely necessary to have the “flavor” in extreme doses.  When a little dab will do it, why do you need the whole truckload‽ That’s right… I used an interrobang.

Here!  Look at this chart:

	Real World		Spicy Food
	Sleeping		Bell Pepper (0 SHU)
	Gentle handshake		Pepperoncini Peppers (100-500 SHU)
	Headlock		Jalapeño Peppers (2000 SHU)
	Kick to the crotch		Cayenne Peppers (30,000 SHU)
	Spinning Back Fist		Red Savina Habanero (300,000 SHU)
	Biting the curb		Naga Jolokia (855,000 SHU)

I hope you have found this chart useful. Please print this page for your handy reference. It SHOULD prove wildly convenient when you need to know how hot something is. Extra credit: memorize the chart.

Patheticness…

Please note that my birthday is coming up.  Compensate me for my HARD WORK by buying me something you can’t afford!

Citations and Images

• Wikipedia several times over
• Google Image Search
• SXC.hu
• chiliplants.co.uk

Despite the “failing” economy, I am pleased to announce that things are still pretty good in the United States of America.  Notice I didn’t say America, because, as all my former geography students know, that includes two continents and technically we’re all Americans on this side of the world.

Students in our school district are having an opportunity of a lifetime getting to know some wonderful students in Uganda.  The Ugandan students play soccer, football, with a grass ball.  This was the first thing to amaze our US students.  A ball is a ball mind you, and I don’t want to get caught up in technicalities; however, that made a huge impression on our students.  They quickly went into action and gathered funds to purchase “real” soccer balls, a pump, and needles to send off to Uganda.  The Ugandan students lined up, over two hundred students, to take turns using the American footballs:  soccer balls (probably made in China!).

We worry about a lot of things here in the good old USA, but much of that has to do with the batteries running out in our wireless keyboards, or an iPod Touch not syncing just right.  We have a hard time deciding where exactly we should eat out, or what movie would be best to see.  Tough choices in an actual simple world.

A complex world includes a place where one is not sure where the next meal will come from, who is going to take care of you now both of your parents have died from the ravages of AIDS, or wondering what your school mates are doing on holiday while you stay at the school because that is your home.

Light shines forth in magnificant ways sometimes, and I saw some of that light as I watched Ugandan students speak, sing, and dance with every last ounce of pride, dignity, and honor as they shared their lives and culture in a video that was sent to our students.  I was touched like never before, and that heart warming feeling continues, and this was just from the students who had to stay at the school during holiday because they had no where else to go, but they came to us, on video, here in the USA. Thank you!

Amazingly, one of the first things our students wanted to do, after seeing their counterparts from Uganda, was figure out how to make a grass soccer ball.  A prized possession to now be had here in the Heartland of America:  The United States of America.

If you are feeling down a bit because you didn’t do so well on a test, or if the Cubs lost, or if you’re not quite sure if the paycheck is going to cover all the bills, add a dose of perspective to the mix and go out and make a grass soccer ball.  I’m serious!  Send your pictures this way so we can see and share them and don’t worry about adding a made in America tag on it:  I mean made in the USA.  Make them for our students, OUR students here, in Uganda, and everywhere in between.  That is all.

Peace!