BKaF – Brad Kovach and Friends

Dear BKaF,

I recently bet my friend $100 that the United States would win a gold medal in every single event we competed in.  Aside from Michael Phelps, we aren’t doing to [sic] well.

What can I do to resolve this situation? And, as a bonus question, how can I avoid this in the future?

Sincerely,
Overzealous Olympian

Dear Overconfident,

There are a number of things that you can do to remedy this situation:

Edit Wikipedia

Wikipedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit–even you!  When your friend asks you to pay up, show him the Wikipedia page summarizing the United States’ EPIC WIN at the Olympics.  If he starts asking to “see citations” you need to have a backup plan.  Try faking a seizure or saying “OH LOOK! AN EAGLE!”

Pay your friend

Yeah, we know, you’re trying to avoid this consequence, but you shouldn’t have opened your big yap in the first place.

Kill your friend

It’s harsh, but IT’S ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS.  That’s more than some small countries’ GDP.  And it’s not just the money–it’s your pride.  Could you handle having a friend heckling you for “being gullible,” “being stupid,” “having a big mouth,” and “having bad grammar.”

Act like it never happened

When your friend stumbles around to gather his winnings he so-rightfully deserves, just say “What?  What do YOU MEAN I OWE YOU ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS?!”  He’ll inevitably ask for the money again, when you start faking a sub-standard lifestyle.  Try to convince your friend that you already spent your economic stimulus check.  And when that doesn’t work (It won’t–we promise) LIE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER LIED BEFORE.

Fall into hiding

This looks cozy.

We’ve never been THIS desperate to evade trouble, so we can’t give you any pointers on living in the jungle, although we can recommend a soundtrack!

Kill yourself

Believe us–if the Japanese made this bet, they’d already be dead.  The ancient suicide ritual seppuku has spared thousands (millions?) of Japanese the embarrassment of admitting failure.  But, seeing how you’ve written this letter, you’ve already admitted that you lost.  This is probably not your best option.

We really hope that this run-down of cowardly escape routes has helped you maintain your measly net worth, and helped you score $100 dollars from your smarter-than-you friend.

Oh, and your bonus question about avoiding this problem in the future?  Answer: shut your mouth.  That should be rather obvious.

Thanks for writing in!
Brad Kovach and Friends

If you need a slice of wisdom, email us for help!

ask@bradkovach.com

We look forward to solving your problems!

One of the things I miss most when I’m home for the summer is Chinese and Japanese food. A favorite restaurant in my college town serves crab-and-cheese wontons as an appetizer, and one day I just missed those little fried bits of heaven so much that I was determined to make my own. If you’d like to give it a try, read on!

The essential ingredients are cream cheese, wonton wrappers, and an egg beaten in a bowl.

Luckily, once you get the wonton wrappers (packs of 40+ available at grocery stores for $1-$2), you can put pretty much whatever you want in there. Use a cream cheese base and see what other Chinese-type supplements you have in your kitchen. My favorite ingredients are cream cheese, ginger, parsley, scallions, and other spices/herbs. My pantry was a little empty this time, so I went with the following:

• A little less than half a package of cream cheese
• Half a container of Garden Vegetable flavor cream cheese

Dashes of:

• Ground ginger
• Minced garlic
• Parsley

This amount of cheese will give me about 25 wontons.

Some people like putting meat in their filling (i.e., crab or pork), but I can’t stand seafood unless it’s out-of-the-water fresh, so I skipped that.

Blend your base together with the dry ingredients. A pastry blender would be great for this, but a fork works. Try to get the mixture as even as possible. If you find you’ve added more spice than you wanted, just put in some more cheese to dilute it.

Get ready to fold! This process takes a while until you get into the groove of it. Get out a pastry brush to spread egg on your wonton wrappers, a plate to hold folded wontons, and a couple spoons to dish out the mixture without getting your hands sticky.

Now onto the folding.

Fold in half again. Dab one more bit of egg in the raised center.

Curl the empty ends of the wonton in on itself and curl the tips outward.

Fill and fold until you’re out of filling. You can refrigerate these for a while under plastic wrap if you want to fry them later–or you can jump right to the oven. For this part, you’ll need:

• Enough vegetable or Canola oil to cover the wontons in the pan
• A plate with a paper towel (to drain)
• Slotted metal spoon (the longer the better)
• Small but deep saucepan

Turn the heat up to medium high. You want to get the oil heated up to 275 degrees, but you can start dropping the wontons in when it hits 250. Put in enough at a time to cover the bottom of the pan, and that’s it. (Keep an eye on the temperature and adjust the heat when it starts getting too high or low. Also point the handle of the pan away from you so you don’t knock it over and cause some horrible hot oil accident).

Those suckers are noisy. Keep a close eye on them and turn them over, stir them, etc. with your spoon to make sure they’re getting brown and crispy on the edges. Watch out, they spit hot oil.

When they look less pale and more crispy golden brown, spoon them onto the plate to drain. Once they’re all out, put the next batch in. Depending on how many wontons you’re making, you may have to do more than two rounds.*

These are best served right out of the pan (possibly with some sweet and sour sauce), but give ‘em a few minutes to cool before eating. They’re also not that bad microwaved!

Enjoy experimenting with ingredients!

*If you want to save the oil for other cooking projects, wait for it to be completely cooled. Line a funnel with a strong paper towel and pour the oil through it into a container.

I have decided to become fat. Grotesquely so, even. Because activity sucks. Period.

I’ve compiled a list of reasons, gathered over many years of study and inactivity, to prove my statement.

Let’s Go:

#1: Sweat.

Yes, you all know the feeling. You’re sitting next to that cute girl (or guy, depending), and your pheremones go into overdrive, creating a slight amount of moisture, which, if you’re lucky, is dissapated by your chosen anti-perspirant. Now take the uncomfortableness that you get from this experience, and multiply it by 1,000,000,000. That’s what sweat when you’re truely exercising feels like. No amount of chalky-white armpit dehydrator will save you now. Those glowy-sweat Gatorade commercials were lies. LIES!

This boy is a deceiver.

#2 Pain.

If you look at the officially compiled lists that speak about people who die, exercise is ranked second, right underneath shark attacks. It is a little known fact that the soreness you feel after exercise is actually your body shutting down right before you kick the bucket.

Don't exercise. And stay out of the water.

#3 Pain.

I think this bears repeating. Have you ever used a friggin’ jumprope?

Satan's vessel in the mortal realm.

#4 Lack of Instantaneous Gratification.

Well, you might be thinking, the above reasons are bad, but I will sacrifice just this once for the promise of a hot-sexy-bod. So, you go out, defy death and sweat, and run a mile. Upon arriving at home, you step on the scale, and–BAM–nothing has happened. “What is this madness?” you ask. I hate to be the one to have to break the news, but exercise is not the miracle you’ve expected. You have to do it more than once! Sometimes three times a week!  What the hell!? I also hear that you have to combine it with *shudder*, a DIET! This is too much to ask.

As much as Arnold would like us to believe, this is harder than it looks.

#5 Video Games

Finally, all the time spent doing all this running and jumping would have been much better spent playing video games.

Remember folks, friends don’t let friends exercise.

-Tom