BKaF - Brad Kovach and Friends

ONE OF THESE DAYS I will get Dugg. Being Dugg is a word used to describe when your site hits the front page of social-news über-phenomenon digg.com, where “democracy” picks the best content.

I always try to write articles that are Digg-worthy, but I never get promoted. I have submitted stories that were subsequently promoted to the front page, but they were both videos.

I would do anything, short of killing myself. I write awesome content (including Top 10 lists!). I try to make the site fun-to-read and easy-to-navigate.

In order to make digg/popular, I would…

• Skip graduation.
• Kill an adorable kitten.
• Vote for Hillary.
• Swear at the Pope.
• Quit my jobs.
• Drop out of school.
• Cancel my Facebook account, even though it’s virtually impossible.
• Embezzle money.
• Edit my own (non-existant) Wikipedia entry.
• Buy Adobe(R) Photoshop(TM).
• Stop wearing underwear.

Ok, now, I know you’re saying, “Peanut Butter and Jelly? Why would he teach us to do this?”

Because, sadly enough, 75 percent of Americans do not know how to properly create the culinary masterpiece that is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. ¹

Fear not. I am here to help.

Step 1: Get some bread. Any kind works, it’s a friggin peanut butter jelly sandwich. I like the kind with like 45 grains in it though. Lay both pieces out so you may spread on them.

Step 2: Get peanut butter. No, not that natural stuff, it tastes like licking a butt. Get Jif. Because Choosy Moms Choose It. In the case of the jelly, get whatever, I like raspberry.

Step 3: Spread the peanut butter on one slice of bread. The key is not to have too much, and not have to little. Here’s the rule: use common sense. But, it is essential that you cover the slice of bread completely. Many times have I received a sandwich that has a blob of peanut butter in the corner, and nowhere else. Needless to say, it was not satisfying. Use my artsy picture for reference.

Step 4: Spread the jelly on the other slice of bread. DO NOT PUT IT ON THE SAME SLICE AS THE PB. Make sure that there is an even coat, with a little bit more jelly than peanut butter. It serves as a lubricant. Once again, see artsy reference.

Step 5: Put both pieces together. Try to make them even, or I’ll punch you in the face.

Step 6: Eat. I like to cut mine in half and serve it with a glass of milk. Do not use a chainsaw.

You’re welcome, America. The first step to a better, more respected nation starts today. Tomorrow, the energy crisis.

¹ Taken from www.ThomasKnowsEverythingAndHeIsInfallible.com

-Tom

Somebody decided to pull the fire alarm at 1:30 AM this morning. If it was a legitimate emergency, I have no problem with this … but it sounds like it was just a typical pre-summer prank.

I suck at recognizing emergencies (or much of anything) in the morning. I heard a shrill siren and blue/white lights going off in the halls, and tried to think what could be causing this. My brain said, “Somebody’s room is going off.” I thought I’d put on some proper pants, shoes, and my glasses so I could stand outside and look angry at whoever had the “loud room”. I opened the door and –AAGH!! The noise was so loud, it actually felt like it was crushing my skull.

My roommate, Carissa, has a brain that doesn’t lag so much as mine, so she grabbed a blanket and started putting on her shoes. I followed her out and noticed there was a bunch of Resident Assistants waving their arms and banging on peoples’ doors. It occured to me then that this was what was known as A Fire Alarm. … Ohhh, okay. That makes sense.

And so I began the long trek down 14 flights of stairs with my fellow residents, with the screaming alarm assaulting our eardrums on each floor. Living just about at the top of a building during a fire alarm is a bum deal.

Thankfully, there was no huge fire, our building and possessions didn’t smolder for days, and everybody was okay. This got me thinking, though … what would I do next time this happened? What should you grab on your way out of your potentially-flaming room?

Glasses: probably. if you end up having to jump from rooftop to rooftop*, these might be useful.
Shoes: if they’re slip-on shoes. No one’s going to wait for you while you lace up your Converse.
Roommate: definitely.
Favorite stuffed animal: no.
iPod/mp3 player: no.
Wii: for Pete’s sake, NO.
Fuzzy green blanket: sure, if it’s cold out.
Homework: screw it.
Larry the Potted Plant: sorry, Larry.
Pants: might come in handy.

Within 10 minutes of exiting the building, the RAs deemed it safe to go back inside again. We all trudged back up those five billion stairs and flopped back into bed, even less ready to go to early morning classes than we had been before the alarm.

Hopefully I’ll never have to experience Unnecessary Fire Alarm Pulling again … but I doubt crazy freshmen are going to show that kind of restraint.

* jumping from rooftop to rooftop is never going to happen in Wyoming.

There are a few constants in the universe. One of these is pizza. And how awesomely good it is. Seriously, if you don’t like pizza, you don’t like the universe. Which is a pretty bad move.

But, silliness aside, pizza is one of the greatest foods ever, and I would like to share with you the recipe for darn good Neapolitan pizza. You see, the key to a good pizza is a yummy crust. With a good crust, you could use poop for topping and it would taste good. Neapolitan is a almost cracker-thin crust that’s just yummalicious, and in my opinion, it is the best of the pizza crusts.

WARNING: This recipe is a two day process, if you are lame, don’t undertake it.

To begin with, the ingredients list, which is almost too simple (By the way, there are thousands of different recipes for pizza crust, but they all basically use the same ingredients, the best book I’ve seen for pizza crust, and bread in general is The Bread Baker’s Apprentice):

You need:

4 ½ cups of flour (unbleached bread flour works best)

1 ¾ tsp. of salt

1 tsp. of instant yeast

¼ cup of olive or vegetable oil

1 ¾ cups of ice cold water

Step 1: Put all these things in a bowl, and you mix them together with either a large spoon or an electric mixer (if you were born without a work ethic).

It will look like this:

And finally this:

The dough should be slightly sticky, but not like a drunk prom date. You should be able to manipulate it without dough staying on your hands. Add water or flour as necessary.

Step 2: Chop this sucker into four equally sized chunks on a large pan (two if you like pizzas with a bit thicker crust, six if you like tiny thin ones). Then, dust each in flower, roll them into balls, and spray some oil on them.

Step 3: Cover the pan with a plastic cover of some sort. I use a garbage bag. Throw this little bundle of joy into the fridge and let it sit overnight.

Step 4: The next day, pull the pan out of the fridge 2-3 hours before you make the pizza.

Step 5: Remove each dough ball from the pan and transfer it to a floured counter top. Then, flatten each dough ball to a disc about ½ inch thick (or less, it’s not too big of a deal.) Then, cover with plastic wrap, and let it sit for the aforementioned 2-3 hours.

Step 6: If you have a baking stone of some sort, about 45 minutes from the 2-3 hour mark, heat your oven as high as it will go (most home ones go to about 550 degrees) and put the stones in while the oven is preheating. If you don’t have stones, just use a conventional pan, but don’t worry about preheating it (still heat the oven to 550 though). The cool thing about stones is that you can get the crispified bottom of the crust.

Now is a great time to chop some ingredients, and make some sauces. The cool thing about pizza is the kinds of sauces you can use, pink sauce, white sauce, red sauce, whatever. I like a red sauce seasoned with basil, garlic, oregano, rosemary, parsley and thyme.

For toppings, use veggies, they taste really good. Stay away from most red meat, it makes a ton of grease, and takes away from the crust. Use chicken. Two or three ingredients (including cheese) are good for each one. My favorites are jalapeño peppers, red bell peppers, diced tomatoes, chicken, mozzarella cheese, parmesan cheese, and cheddar cheese. Put your favorites.

CARDINAL RULE: Less is more! Don’t slather on the cheese, sauce, or any other topping. It doesn’t enhance the taste, just makes the pizza less structurally stable.

Step 7: Toss your crusts. Dust your hands with flour. If you want to do it cool-man-style like me, bounce each crust across your knuckles in a circular motion, then throw it up in the air until you reach the desired size. Or you can just flatten it out with your hands. Make sure you have a device to transfer it to your hot stone (if you’re using one).

Step 8: Throw on all your ingredients (less is more, sauce thickens when it gets cooked), and use a brush to brush melted butter on the crust for added crispy. Slide this bad boy into the oven.

Step 9: Pull it out, and devour.

I hope you enjoy this epic recipe, and come back next week for a doozy: PB and J sandwiches!

-Tom

Sorry everyone, but it’s late! I do, however, have the Calculus Test (final) 4 note card done.

Click the card or click here to download.

Julie Approved!

Situation: You’re sitting at your computer downloading stuff. You paid for it, and you received digital copies instantly. There were no humans, except you, involved, and there was virtually no labor involved in distribution.

Background

Supply and Demand is an economic concept that states that the best price for an item is found where a supply curve and a demand curve meet. It’s a very accurate way to determine how much to charge for an item–it’s the economic concept that drives the United States.

However, with globalization and the popularization of digital assets, such as a media file, the typical supply and demand curves are difficult–if not impossible–to chart.

The two parts of the S&D concept are, of course, supply and demand.

Law of Demand

When a price for an item is higher, demand for that item is typically lower. the relationship is inversely proportional. Basically–If people want something, they’re willing to pay for it.

Law of Supply

When a price increases, production must also increase to maintain profits.

Elasticity

Where changes in factors cause change in supply and demand relations an availability of a substitute is a great influence of Elasticity–if a competing product is stealing your business, you’ll change some factors (price, probably) to get them back.

You can see how a delicate balance of these laws would be good for the economy. This balance is referred to as equilibrium.

A recent example: The Nintendo Wii game console’s impossible-to-find status during the 2007-2008 Holiday season. Even at an estimated production of 1.8 million consoles per month, sales of over 400,000 kept the shelves wiped out.

An un-example: Fuel prices. They’re high because the oil companies want the money. Demand hasn’t risen, but it has fell due to high prices. But, if a dramatic decrease in fuel prices occurred, demand would raise–and then the price would have to skyrocket, yet again.

That’s great, but consider a digital economy:

Supply

Infinite. Rather than distributing goods, copies of the goods are automatically made and then distributed.

Demand

Variable, depending on the price set, and how the items are desired.

So does digital supply and demand exist?

Some say “No.” When using the traditional model of supply and demand, an infinite supply makes it impossible to calculate equilibrium–any calculator would return an ERROR.

But in a way “Yes.” You cannot sell a product without demand. Without demand, there would not be a buyer. Without a buyer, supply is not necessary. Therefore, without demand, supply is not necessary. You must have demand if you expect to sell your supply.

Therefore, an unlimited supply should not be factored into digital economics. Rather than a supply, a goal has to be set. How much did this production cost? And how many people do I expect to buy it? When those questions are answered, profit can be calculated.

Production cost:     $25,000.00  # I don't know how much money it takes

Desired cost         $      .99

Units Sold:              25,253
Actual Cost Per Unit	  $0.99  # Production Cost / Units Sold

Profit Per Unit	          $0.00  # Desired Cost - Actual Cost

Profit	                  $0.47  # (Desired Cost * Units Sold)-Production Cost

I built a digital economics toy that requires Microsoft Excel to play with. If you don’t have Excel, download this and upload it to Google Documents–the equations will work.

Digital Supply and Demand Spreadsheet

If you use Microsoft Excel, you can use the “Goal Seek” function to help you solve for values. In Office 2007, click “Data > What-if Analysis > Goal Seek” and set the values. You’ll find the calculator rather interesting.

The cost of producing these goods is the same for one item sold as it is for 2 million. The profit is what softens the blow. Interestingly, with these numbers, after 33,310,474.71 copies of this item, the Actual Cost Per Unit reaches $0.00.

Digital Rights Management (DRM)

One parallel that cannot be drawn between online items and real, tangible items is the ability to sell and redistribute.

For example, if I purchased a CD from… say… Wal*Mart, I could use that CD a few times, and then I could take that CD and sell it or give it away. Online-purchased media, however, comes in sealed-to-your-identity packages.

You have NO means of giving that digital media to a friend. You have NO means of selling that digital media back to the market in ANY way. If you decide for any reason that the product is defective, you can’t take it back, you can’t get a refund–because it’s impossible with the current state of online markets.

In Conclusion

I think that supply and demand exists in a digital economy–but not in the same way as it does in the analog world. Items must be sold to meet a quota, not to meet market demand. After the quota is reached, all earnings are PURE PROFIT. Products aren’t being sold to us in a fair way, either. Rather than having the right to distribute a digital product.

I can sense summer waiting for me at home with open arms, just waiting to warm up my days and fill them with 8-to-4 hourly-wage work. I’m also starting to think about all the stuff I learned my first year away from home. Useful knowledge? You be the judge.

• Cookies totally count as breakfast.
• To that one guy: Excessive Nazi jokes in German class stopped being funny since … forever. Seriously, when you’re gone, everyone just talks about how much they wish you’d shut up. Stop it.
• Food that Mom and Dad send you = useful.
• Seven pounds of popcorn sent by your roommate’s Dad = a dangerous burden.
• Being able to swipe your card at a vending machine and get a delicious drink is awfully convenient. Buying enough of these drinks over a month and running out of laundry money is not.
• If you are a giant football player with rippling calf muscles living on the 2nd floor, and you frequently take the elevator from there to the first … be prepared for any number of insults regarding your inability to walk down eight stairs. Elevator patrons who have had to stop at every other floor from the 8th floor down are not exactly pleased to accommodate “lazy 2nd-floor bums”. The only people allowed to take the elevator to go up or down a single floor are:

people with tons of luggage

people using the elevator at 3 a.m.

janitors, because they put up with crap

parents, because they don’t know any better

people with missing/broken legs

(it’s an octopus! adorable.)

• Some teachers like to teach until the very last minute of class. Students combat this by packing up their stuff and zipping up backpacks once they’ve decided they’ve learned enough for the day. The sound of the whole class doing this at once is intimidating to the teacher, who usually gives in and lets them go.*
• The coolest teachers are the ones who wear bright yellow dress pants, a shirt and tie, and matching beat-up Converse sneakers.
• Swiping a keycard instead of memorizing a combination to get into your room is kind of nice, until you leave said card in your room and the door closes.

Well, I’m sure there’s more valuable information floating around in my head, but I’ve got to eat something before I go to class. … which brings up one more point: Try to avoid registering for classes that don’t get out until 6:30 in the evening. Being hungry for dinner during class = no work gets done.

Toodles!

* unless you have a teacher who is easily upset / passionate about their subject. In that case, the teacher will probably chew out the whole class and keep them for an extra 5 minutes. It’s a bit of a gamble.

Welcome back! I apologize for the slight tardiness of the article, I have no excuse. Um…yeah.

So, this week on Cooking with Thomas, we have a food that was created by McDonald’s (as far as my knowledge goes): Chicken.

The type of chicken we are going to prepare today is the grilled type, which is my personal favorite. Grilled Chicken has a mellow taste, with a savory aroma that reminds me of ages long past. Ah, nostalgia.

So, to begin:

Step 1: Grab yo’self some chicken. Any kind of chicken will do, but I prefer boneless, so you can make some yummy sandwiches. Throw that chicken in a plastic container, and let it defrost for 3-4 hours. Or you can just go the microwave defrost route, though that’s lame.

Step 1.5 (this is a supplemental step): Once the chicken is all defrosted, heat up your grill. For those of you who do not know how to do this, a charcoal grill is simple: throw briquettes into the bowl, spray it with lighter fluid, light it, and wait 20 minutes. If you’re a nancy, you can just cook this in a skillet, but I’ll never speak to you again if you do.

Step 2: Throw that chicken on the grill. I’m making naked chicken, which requires no marinating before hand. C’mon, who do you think I am, Chef Bonfini? Once that chicken is on the grill, spice it up with any combination of garlic, lemon pepper, salt, black pepper, carne asada, seasoned salt, or BBQ sauce. My personal favorite is putting garlic, salt, and lemon pepper, sliced onion, and melting cheese on top of that bad boy. Whatever you wanna do works, as long as it tastes good.

Step 3: As we’re going the sandwich route, make some garlic toast (garlic, butter, and a slice of bread either fried in a skillet or toasted in a toaster oven), throw some tomatoes and miracle whip (or mayo), and chow down. Yum-ah!

Unfortunately, I don’t have as many pictures this week. I sincerely apologize, but it was friggin’ snowing outside. April, and it was snowing. Yeah, I live in an awesome place. Don’t believe me? Look:

But, tune in next week for an exciting adventure in: Pizza!

Chainsaw Bob and the 10,000 Things That Don’t Remotely Pose a Challenge to Him

Chapter 1 (of 750)

It was day.

No, not the sun-shining, Mr.-bluebird-on-my-shoulder kind of day; the kind of day that makes you slather on the SPF 100 and pray to the above that Skin Cancer isn’t looking for a loving host. Sweat graduates to a whole new level: SWAT.

Now, any other man would take a look out his window and say, “You know what, I think I’ll stay in today. Maybe sit in the freezer a couple hours.”

Chainsaw Bob was not any other man. Chainsaw Bob had a quota to fill.

A quota of logs.

Heavy steel-toed boots thump. The assortment of pine, cherry, cedar, and aspen shakes in collective fear.

The rumbling sound of the Dusqvarna 5000xp Deathsaw doesn’t help either.

It begins. You will be spared the woody details. Wimp.

John was supervisor at the Imonnaeatcha Lumber Mill. He, like all his other workers, would avert their eyes in shame at their lack of masculinity every time Chainsaw would make his delivery. He would make it at four o’clock PM.

Sharp.

Like his Deathsaw.

Chainsaw would bring the 34-foot longs five at a time on his shoulder, and throw them in a pile. Then he would leave, all the other “men” attempting to re-grow their facial hair after it had been manned off.

It was night.

Chainsaw Bob was asleep on his bed of nails. The She-harpy-banshee-fiends-from-the-bad-place thought he didn’t hear them coming.

Oh, he heard them.

He heard them.

-Tom

Dear Mr. KOVACH,

Our records identify you as a man who may be required to register with Selective Service, but has not done so. You may register online via the Internet at www.sss.gov, by telephone, or indicate you are registered by completing Section A of the enclosed Registration Status Form. If you believe you are not required to register, complete Section B of the form and provide supporting evidence (copies only). Please verify and, if necessary, correct all information on the form. Sign and date the form and return it to us in the enclosed envelope within 10 days.

Failure to register with Selective Service is a Federal crime punishable by a fine and imprisonment. Men who fail to register may be unable to obtain U.S. citizenship, and are not eligible for certain Federal benefits, such as job training, student financial aid and government employment. Registration protects that eligibility. Our objective is to register you, not to have you prosecuted.

If you need help in completing the form, or have questions about registering, phone us at: 1-888-655-1825.

I’m 18 now–and I have the Gillette Fusion razor to prove it. (For the uninitiated, Gillette gives every man a free razor for his 18th birthday. I don’t know how they know that you’re turning 18, but they JUST DO.)

I received this cheery letter today. For those too impatient to read it, it kindly tried to state that I have to register for Selective Service, or I will go to jail. I muttered to myself “WHAT A PAIN!” And then, amidst the threats of prosecution, there it was: a website. A place on the Internet–where 90% of my time seems to go–where I can just fill out the form and get on with my life. Awesome, right?!

Wrong.

WHO IS IN CHARGE AT THE IT DEPARTMENT THERE? This website is a disaster. I tried to register, but I got a timeout error screen, which means a server wasn’t responding to my requests.

This poorly configured server, which has inevitably confronted 75% of all US men who’ve tried to register online, is turning away tons of traffic. And why? Because somebody forgot to check a box when the set the site up. I finally got to the website. The problem? I forgot to put “www.” in front of the address. Oops.

I finally get in and am greeted by their army of animated GIFs.

Look, US Government, if you’re going to force your country’s men to do a tedious task that SHOULD be taken care of for us, at least make the process work. By “SHOULD be taken care of for us,” I mean that they have the means to just pull our names out of a hat. Why don’t they? If they knew I’m 18, why didn’t they just REGISTER ME?

Neil Hokanson, who is more enlightened on matters patriotic, what is the answer?

Just remember–if it’s your turn to go through this rigamarole, don’t forget the www.