BKaF – Brad Kovach and Friends

I am a fairly sensitive guy. Not like cry during Old Yeller sensitive, but cry during Schindler’s List sensitive. I’ve taken my share of smooshings of my masculinity, but hey, who hasn’t?

But now, an unstoppable force has come to power. And it is making me seriously question who I am.

My email.

Is marshaling its forces and preparing for the attack. The evil robot-invasion-destroy-humanity-attack.

You know, that one.

When I first got the emails telling me to “Prescriptions man Rx”, I was nonplussed. I laughed when I received the “If your warrior of love is too small, you may lose this war” email. I thought, “Oh, forget about it, it’s just innocent spam. No harm can come of it.”

I was wrong.

December 7, 2007. I recieved this email, from a Dr. Dominick Wolfe:

Become a real man. You Do not like your machine size. Chicks joke at you. You have good chance to solve this problem. Try our aggregate enlargement and Women will adore you sure enough. I changed my sexual life. Now it is your turn.”

At the time, I was sure that Dr. Wolfe must be the foremost scientist in his field. Though I could not remember entering my “machine” into any study. But, as Dr. Wolfe said, “become a real man”. He being an expert in such matters, I figured I had better trust his judgment. So, I sent this reply:

Dearest Dr. Wolfe,
I have the greatest interest in finding out more about aggregating enlargement. What arethe potential side effects? How many women will I be dealing with, should I undergo this procedure? Are you a native of Puerto Rico?
Most sincerely yours,
Thomas Wells

Unfortunately, I received no reply, even when I sent my credit card and social security numbers. And once again I was thwarted, because Dr. Wolfe’s research was not published on the internet as of yet.

So, it appeared that I would remain an inadequate man for the rest of my days. But then, a light in the darkness.

December 15, 2007. Dr. Augustine Pate.

Your girl does not want to jazz it with you because of your machine size. Don’t miss this perfect change to solve the trouble. All you have to do is just put to use our male organ enlargement. You will forget about problem and your woman will be happy.”

I was overwhelmed with joy. Just when I thought I had been abandoned, Dr. Pate had come to my rescue. I eagerly followed the link. I was confronted with this.

Hal 9000¹. He has taken control of my email. I was doomed. How could I have been so stupid? Magical doctors emailing me out of the blue, telling me that they would solve my man-problems. Have I learned nothing from I, Robot. Computers know everything. He could have easily read my mind through my emails.

I shut down my computer. I know it will do no good. Hal has made it self aware. It’s only a matter of time before it hacks into my house, takes control of my vacuums, my electric shavers, my iPod.
I’m doomed.

1. Hal 9000 is an evil sentient robot from 2001, A Space Odyssey. It’s a crappy movie. Don’t ever see it. I’m serious. Hal can get into your mind. (By the way, Hal is the copyright of so and so, not me, just using him for fun.)

-Tom

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